Dare to Dream

I don’t know why this was the first word that popped into my head, but it was. By the time I was done, it no longer seemed like a word and I wasn’t even sure if I was writing letters or hieroglyphics. Also, while I was writing the same word over and over, silently reciting the letters to ensure I didn’t mess up, I was tempted to start rocking back and forth with the rhythm as I fell into a pattern.

I’m sure I looked like I was either a girl on the verge of a nervous breakdown or an escaped mental patient.

Luckily no one really gave me a second thought because this is New York and I was still one of the most normal people on the train.

But definitely not the only one with a dream.

Have faith in your dreams and someday your rainbow will come smiling through. No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dream that you wish will come true.

Catch A Falling Star And Put It In Your Pocket

Longest post title ever? Possibly.

Well, it’s the closest I’m going to come to actually fulfilling this prompt. I thought about it for a few days. I even considered trying to draw a metaphor to why my iPod represents who I am – the music, pictures and apps all make up different parts of me…I even had a great analogy about how it was cracked and held together with Scotch tape but it still works. I had a song quote from Smash lined up and everything!

But I realized that didn’t really fulfill the requirement of making something to carry with me.

Then I thought maybe I’d go even more symbolic. “Well, I always have at least two elastics on my wrist at all times (provided one isn’t in my hair). One for me, one in case someone else needs one.” Then I was going to draw conclusions about my personality based on this fact like this was a damn psychology class.

So you know what? I’m not doing it. I’m not done figuring out who I am yet, so it would be impossible to find/create something to remind myself of it. And what I DO know about myself is that I’m too complicated to possibly sum up in one object.

So, Charlie? I would like to respectfully decline this one.

Besides, even if I made something to carry around with me, I guarantee I’d lose it before the week was out.

Ten Steps

I walked out of the back exit of my office and took ten steps to the right. I turned back toward whence I came and took this photo.

They call this building “up and coming” because it’s an ever-developing building that is slowly but surely transforming into a giant warehouse to a hip office building. The floors are a grey concrete, the high ceilings are stark white. The hallways are echo-y and dank, but the offices themselves are bright because of the three-quarter length windows that line every outer wall. The stairwells are dark and scary, but it kind of adds a little adventure on the days you decide to take them.

Plus, they have an elevator for cars, so you could park on the 9th floor if you wanted to. You know, if you’re Martha Stewart.

 

 

They recently painted some of the pipes in the hallway that bright red color. Most likely for some sort of regulation, but I think it adds a bit of a fun pop. A little less dreary, a little more cheerful.

Though, I’ll admit, the roach traps that are tucked behind the columns (not as inconspicuously as they think, I might add) sort of take away any magic the red paint started to give.

I think they should paint the unpainted pipes a different color. Then maybe the columns a third color.

I feel like Monday mornings would be a lot easier to handle if I had to walk down a hallway of mothereffing rainbows on the way to work.

An Open Letter…To Myself

Hey you (errr…me?),

I don’t know if I’ve told you this lately, but you’re doing alright.  I know sometimes you question that. Mostly when other people question it.

Okay, so you’re not doing what you went to school for. Yes, you’ll be paying those student loans for the rest of your life. But it’s still a solid background to have, right? You learned a lot about people in your studies – both humans in general and children – that will (and do) come in handy as you go about your life. You also had to write a lot. About a lot of different things.

Think about it – if it wasn’t for that one class in grad school, would you even realize how talented you are? DO you even realize how talented you are? People like your writing.

You’re passionate. When you feel things, you feel them with your whole being. And you share them with other people, and that makes you brave. Your opinions might not ring true to everyone who hears them, but that doesn’t matter to you. As long as you’re being honest, you’re willing to stand firm with your opinions, and that’s admirable. There was a time when you wouldn’t voice your opinion unless you were sure it would be universally accepted by your audience, remember? Remember all those times you shook your head fervently and muttered, “No, you’re right” when you realized you were the only one that felt that way? Look at how far you’ve come!

You still have a lot to learn. But you know that. And that’s half the battle. You’re open to learning and growing, and that’s so important.

I have some advice for you, if you don’t mind me saying it. I know you don’t like people telling things you already know, but I really need you to hear this. You have some really great dreams. Dreams that aren’t all that unrealistic. But you have to be active.

You’re waiting. You’re planning. You’re not doing.

You know that email you’ve been meaning to send to that website? The one asking what it would take to work for them? The one asking what advice they can give on heading in that direction, or a similar one? The one that makes you dizzy with nerves just thinking about it? Draft it. Send it. What’s the worst that can happen? Rejection hurts, especially when it’s regarding something you hold so dear to you, but no one can tell you not to chase this dream. No one can make you stop writing. (And honestly, I don’t think anyone would try.)

You know that story you’ve been planning? You started to write it once, but your iPod deleted it and you took it as a sign. That’s stupid. It wasn’t a sign. It was technology sucking. It does that sometimes. Start it again. You might not have the whole thing planned out, it might not ever become a cohesive story, but damnit how will you know if you don’t at least TRY?

You have some really great dreams. Go chase them. You’ve done it before. You set your heart on New York and here you are. (And doing a pretty kickass job of being here, if you ask me.) So it’s time to go after the next dream.

No one ever said you’re only allowed one dream come true per lifetime.

There, that’s all. For now. Thanks for listening. We should do this a little more often, don’t you think?

I love you! (Sorry if I don’t say that enough.)

–Me

PS. Just a suggestion, if you take one hour per night that you spend dicking around on the internet and use it as “work” time, you’d probably actually start getting shit done.

Soundtrack To My Life: Abridged

I spent a lot of my childhood alone, but I found ways to entertain myself. I tried not to let loneliness keep me from having fun. Even though I often felt left out even when I was with my peers, I had an extraordinary fantasy life.

Spinning, laughing, dancing to her favorite song. She’s a little girl with nothing wrong and she’s all alone. - Seven Years

I had a pretty great childhood, despite not really connecting with people my own age. My brother was a built-in friend, and my family always treated me like one of the adults. I did make some really great friends in my youth, and I held on to them as tightly as I could for as long as I could. Some of my favorite memories, though, were hanging out with my family. Spending weeks at my aunt and uncles house, spending holidays with the whole clan crammed under one roof, all of us loud and energetic. And laughing. Always laughing.

My brother and my cousins remain to this day to be some of my closest friends, even though I probably see them the least. My aunt and uncle’s house will always trigger memories of sleepovers and summers past.

Round here, we’re never sent to bed early and nobody makes us wait. Round here we stay up very, very, very, very late. - Round Here 

When I was about 10, I visited New York for the first time. I had been lusting after the city since I first heard about/read about/saw it on television. But seeing it? Experiencing it first hand? It was love at first sight.

I want to be in this hoi polloi. So I’ll be back for good someday to make my life and make my way but for today I’ll wander and enjoy. – One Short Day

In high school, I was kind of a hot mess. Now that I’m older, I know that I just spread myself too thin, with underlying problems being shoved down, eating me away from the inside out. I had no coping mechanisms and no desire to seek out help. I didn’t know what was wrong with me or how to fix it, but I knew something wasn’t right.

She’s not a drama queen, she doesn’t wanna feel this way. Only seventeen, but tired…She’s just the way she is, but no one’s told her that’s okay. - Beautiful Disaster 

Eventually I was guided back on the path to sanity, with love and support from family, friends and teachers alike. Now I’m able to look back on my high school years and pick out some really happy memories and great friends.

We were young and wild and free. - Heaven 

As hard a time I had in high school, it was still everything I knew. All of my best memories were wrapped up tight in these people, these places I had known for so long. But I was bound and determined to make my way in NYC and soon enough, it was time to leave.

They take one last drive around town and man it already looks different…this growin’ up stuff, man, I don’t know… - The Night Before (Life Goes On) 

College was amazing. It was new and it was exciting. But it did get hard sometimes. Being away from my family, who I had always been so close with, was hard. I was still struggling internally with things I still felt like would be better left unsaid. There were moments I wanted to give up. Long weekends home that just weren’t long enough. An ache in my heart that I wasn’t used to, that got so strong I considered throwing in the towel. It wasn’t that I didn’t love New York with all my being, I did, but I wondered if I could be just as happy in Boston, even though deep down I knew it wouldn’t be the same.

For one split second, she almost turned around, but that would be like pouring raindrops back into a cloud. - Wasted 

Eventually I realized this is where I was meant to be and that my family was always going to be a huge part of me, no matter how far I roamed. So I left some of my roots over yonder, but set down some new ones in New York as well.

Somewhere towards the end of college, I started to come into my own. I could no longer hide the feelings I’d been suppressing since I was 13 years old. I was gay and I was in love with a girl who had a boyfriend.

I’m ill with the thought of your kiss, coffee-laced, intoxicating on his lips. Shut it out, I’ve got no claim on you now. - Ashes & Wine 

It was messy and complicated but eventually it ended. At first I struggled with the pain of losing something I never really had in the first place.

So you’re gone and I’m haunted, and I bet you are just fine. Do I make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life? - Almost Lover 

Eventually I realized that I just needed to let go, but it was hard.

You’re neither friend nor foe, though I can’t seem to let you go. The one thing that I still know is that you’re keeping me down. - Gravity 

Time passed, and I found someone new to spend time with. We had fun, but it started to heat up too fast and we ended up going down in flames. We tried to rekindle the embers, but when it came down to it, she couldn’t be trusted and she didn’t have the best intentions. I realized quickly she wasn’t someone I needed in my life.

When it’s time to reminisce, you’re gonna realize you miss this. You’re on my mind for the last time, and at the most you were a pastime. - Sick of You 

She didn’t like it when I tried to step back and phase her out quietly, so she confronted me about it. I told her I thought it would be best if we had space, so neither of us got burned again.  She told me to have a nice life.

And you’ll add my name to your long list of traitors who don’t understand and I’ll look back in regret how I ignored when they said ‘run as fast as you can’. - Dear John 

After that mess was over, I focused on myself. I finished grad school, I got promoted within the company I was working at doing something I didn’t go to school for, but happened to be good at. I was reading and writing for fun for the first time in a long time, and I was unleashing creativity inside myself that hadn’t really had many outlets for quite some time.

I’ve rekindled my passion, my drive for something bigger. I re-discovered my love for creating and found a new way to connect with people. I have gathered my own ragtag bunch of friends and I am having the time of my life.

You suddenly connect with the thing you forgot that you were looking for. And there you are, right in the middle of what you love, with the craziest of company, you’re having a kickass time and being who you wanted to be in this world. You’re that little girl with her wings unfurled, flying again. - A Way Back To When 

End: Disc 1

My story isn’t over. This isn’t my whole story, this is just a synopsis. This is the inside cover, the back of the book. This isn’t what’s between the pages, what fills up my whole being. These are just some songs that transport me back to different times in my life, different thoughts and different feelings. I’m obsessed with music and could probably give you a hundred songs for each of these stages of my life, plus a thousand more songs for the moments in between. 

Found Art

Oddly enough, I didn’t have to leave my bed to make this. My headphones were on my bed with me and the paperclips were a short reach away on my desk. The hardest part was trying to figure out how the heck to make a capital cursive “I” using only paper clips.

I played around with the lighting with the Google+ editing features, so it’s nothing fancy. But I think it’s pretty telling. First of all, the paper clips were already mostly strung together. Because I probably was bored one day or procrastinating and decided they needed to all be linked. Also, though there wasn’t a hard pattern, it was organized chaos, because no paper clip was linked to a same color. Also, the color scheme of these very happy paper clips happens to perfectly match not only my headphones, but my pink sheets. If you had a wider look around my room, you’d see that pink, purple and blue largely dominate my belongings (though oddly enough my clothes tend to me more blacks and greys, with a pop of color here and there). Then there’s the fact that my headphones are rarely more than an arms-length away from me.

So, this is my creation. Fun, color, music, love.

What else do you need, really?

It’s Me You Fear

Hey there. How’s it going?

It was nice of you to let me come forward and talk for a bit. I know you hate me. I know you fear me.

We used to be together a lot more often, remember? Weeks would go by and we were inseparable. People tried to break us up, but I stayed strong and you didn’t fight me. You didn’t like me then either, but you grew comfortable around me. I was familiar.

I think maybe you were too young to realize you could tell me to leave. I wasn’t about to teach you. I liked being by your side so often.

Some days you would dress me up and we would play pretend. Those were the days I thought you almost started to like me. We would spend hours together, you and I, in imaginary worlds. Those days weren’t so bad, were they?

Other nights you would just curl up and let me cover you with my long, dark cloak.  I would run my fingers through your hair and count the tears that rolled down your cheeks.

I think we look a lot alike, you and I. Sometimes I look back at you through the mirror, and you hardly seem to notice the difference. At least, that’s how it used to be.

It’s been a while, though. A while since you’ve let me stay with you for very long. Where it used to be weeks on end, it’s now only a few stolen hours here and there. I don’t even remember the last time we spent the day together.

Now you only let me sidle up to you on those darker nights, and curl around you like I used to when you were small.

I know you hate me, though. I can feel it. Stronger now, since you know you can ask me to leave. Your anger towards me is almost palpable, because you know I only come when you’re weak, when your walls are down.

Your fear and your hatred doesn’t stop me. I know you’re afraid I’ll stay with you forever, that in the end it will just be you and me. That you’ll have nothing else. And I’d like that. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. But you keep driving me away.

So maybe soon we’ll have to part ways. Maybe with each passing year our time together will grow less frequent, as it has been. Maybe someday you’ll stop letting me visit at all.

But for now, I’ll still creep into your bed late at night, wrap my arms around you and rock you to sleep.  I’ll whisper in your ear and remind you that if no one else wants you, I’ll always be here.