Gleecap 2.19 – Rumours
AKA Gay Panic Strikes Again
We begin with Fondue For Two – Brittany has not only learned how to turn on a computer, but someone taught her about YouTube. She has created a talk show in which she gossips with guests and dips foods into hot sauces. This week’s guests are Tina and Mercedes, and the fondue is marshmallows being dipped into cheese.
Mercedes is too busy complaining about the food while simultaneously shoving it into her mouth while Tina takes initiative to combat a rumor – she says the rumor about Asian men…not true. Though I would have guessed that about Mike, since he’s like a thousand feet tall. On the other hand, I wasn’t even THINKING that about Mike, and the image of him and Tina doing anything besides dance together makes me feel like I ate too many cheese covered marshmallows.
Brittany says that she heard a rumor that Santana plays for the other team, which she also confirms. Tina and Mercedes look at her curiously, never knowing if Brittany even has any idea what she means when she says words, but she seems pretty sure of herself. They exchange glances that have a, “Ah HA! I knew it!” kind of look to them, joined by slight smirks. Before they have the chance to verbally react, Brittany introduces us to Lord Tubbington, accurately named as he is one fat cat.
Back at McKinley, Rachel approaches Sam in the hallway. Sam and I both sprout confused expressions, as neither of us remembers her speaking to him alone before. He mentions that Santana has warned him about her impish magicks and told him to beware. His fear doesn’t subside after she hands him some chapstick and [kind of] compliments his trouty mouth, but Rachel shrugs all of this off and proceeds to ask Sam to prom. When he starts to respectfully decline, she hurriedly asks if he’s saying know because it might make Finn jealous. As she wipes away the desperation that had accidently leaked out of the corners of her mouth, Sam says that actually she’s just not his type.
In less important and almost slightly annoying news, Sue has decided to get the school paper up and running, but will no longer be implementing useless procedures such as fact checking. Somehow Brittany got roped into this, but at least she’s looking adorable.
Cue the fabulous and adorable Miss April “Hot Mess” Rhodes.
Turns out her all white production of The Wiz didn’t go as well as my high school’s did, so she’s decided to write her own musical – Crossrhodes. Clever. I’m fairly certain it would look something like Lindsay Lohan: The Musical, if such a wonderous thing did exist. Anyway, she’s back in Lima because she’s low on cash and needs to borrow the auditorium she gave to the school.
The paper being printed causes some hullabaloo in the hallway, and Rachel marches up to Finn and extends her arms as high up as she can in order to shove a copy under Finn’s nose. She spews something about Quinn being evil and her now having proof. Finn starts to read something about a cheerleader spending some time in her closet and interjects by saying that can’t be about Quinn because she’s claustrophobic. Rachel tells him that’s about Santana and so not what she was talking about. She was referring to the paragraph about a blondie rondie […get it? Short for rendezvous? No? Whatever, I tried.] going on at a local motel. Finn is pissed and storms into the choir room, demanding an explanation from Sam.
The newspaper is making other waves in the choir room as well, and Santana flies in a blaze of fury and headed straight for her girl Brittany. Arms flailing, she asks what she was thinking saying those things about her on her stupid show. Brittany looks flabbergasted on what could possibly have set her off – she does play for another team. She used to play for the Cheerios, and now she plays for the New Directions. Even though I have a feeling Brittany secretly knew what she was doing and knew she could cover it up by playing dumb but thought it might be a way to help Santana get her foot out of the closet door. I just feel like I need to give her a little credit. She may not know how to spell or the definitions of words, but she knows people. And she does have lucid moments [more on that later] so I have a hard time believing she literally had no idea what she was saying.
Anyway, if this had been Quinn or Zizes, history shows us that hair would have been pulled and bitches would have been slapped, but Santana saw the look on Brittany’s face and saw that – even if she realized what she had done – she didn’t mean to do anything to upset Santana. Instead, she marches her gay overalls back out of the choir room door she came in from. Finn storms out the opposite door, though not before grabbing Sam by the shirt and having Mr. Shue pull them apart. The Glee club is in disarray and it seems no one will be rehearsing today.
Will confides in April over a candlelit dinner of wine and…wine. He tells her about all the drama and rumors going on in drama and this reminds April of Fleetwood Mac – which sparks another Schue idea [uh oh]. This week’s lesson? All songs can only be from the album Rumours. [Okay, this doesn’t seem like it can backfire. Safe plan, Schue. Probably because it stemmed from another one of your blonde ladies, not your own fluffy head.] April and Will demonstrate to the Glee club and give the assignment – pick a song from the album, give it your own twist.
Out in the hallway, Artie rolls up to Brittany and finally says what’s been on his mind – he asks what’s going on between her and Santana. She insists that hooking up with Santana isn’t cheating – I mean, Santana said so. Artie’s insecurity boils over and he tells her that they, as a couple, don’t make sense as it is, so he can’t handle the thought of her having any feelings about anyone else. He tells her that Santana is taking advantage of her and she immediately stands up for her, telling him she’s not the bitch everyone makes her out to be. At this instant defense, Artie snaps and asks Brittany how she could be so stupid. Then, in a moment of heartshattering honesty, Brittany wells up with tears and says that he had been the only person in the school to never have called her that.
Sensing Artie’s sadness, Puck appears with a guitar and Artie expresses his feelings through song, while reminding me that he actually has an amazing voice when he’s not trying to rap. The other Glee boys join in on guitar and Artie mopes around while Santana comforts Brittany in the most adorable of ways.
Finn and Rachel decided to get to the root of the rumors and are on stake-out at the local motel. They see Sam and Kurt exit a room and Finn immediately assumes they’re having an affair and can’t believe his little brother would do that to his perfectly quaffed boyfriend.
They call a meeting and start to discuss possible explanations for all they have heard. They start to realize that they actually don’t know anything about Sam and his background – but Quinn jumps in and insists that Kurt would never cheat on Blaine. Rachel’s not so sure and points out a few of the incestuous relationships they’ve endured over the past two years. Finchel, Puckleberry, Ti-something Chang-Chang, Artittany [vom], Pizes [why didn’t I think of that?!], Brittana [okay they didn’t say that one but it’s valid]. Quinn cuts in and insists Sam’s not gay and walks away without any further explanation.
Alone in the choir room and dressed to the nines, Santana is telling her sad little panda that she has a song for her, to help her express her feelings.
She then soulfully and beautifully pours her heart out to her in the form of Songbird.
She wipes one single tear off her face…
And Brittany asks why she couldn’t sing that in front of the other Gleeks. Santana’s not ready for that type of exposure, but Brittany has an idea – she’ll ask Santana to prom on Fondue for Two and all Santana will have to do is say yes. I’m not sure how this is a better idea than starting in Glee club, but Santana seems so starstruck by the thought of going to prom with Brit that she agrees.
Rachel and Finn are back on the prowl with their creepy binoculars in their pedophile truck. Finn knows something’s up with Quinn and hates that he can never tell what she’s thinking, unlike when he was dating Rachel. Just then, the motel door opens and Sam and Quinn emerge and engage in an emotional embrace. I’m fairly certain Finn’s pissed, but it’s also possible he’s trying to figure out a complicated math problem.
Back in Schue’s office, Brittany is stringing words together like she actually took her Adderall that morning. She tells Will that she’s there to ask the more hard-hitting questions and starts in with options like boxers or briefs and Pantyhose or lace panties. When it comes to questions about him having affairs with the students and him leaving Lima for Broadway, Will’s not so sure Brittany came up with these on her own, and she soon [accidently] confirms that this interview was set up by Sue. At lease she looked cute while she was doing Coach Sylvester’s bidding.
Speaking of, the Queen Of Mischief herself is teaching her muckrakers to start spreading lies and Will comes in to confront her. She tells him that sure he might not have intended on leaving, but maybe he should. Unfortunately, Schue still can’t see a scheme when it slaps him in the face, and he seems to be considering what Sue just told him.
Another copy of the paper comes out and Quinn and Finn storm at each other, both full of rage and doubt. They both suspect the other of cheating, and both have done it before, so they sing a duet that sounds lovely, but they are all tense and pouty while they sing it.
Rachel gets sassy with Quinn about her potential affair with Sam and Quinn has had enough. She tells Finn that if he wants to stay in a relationship with her, he will not do any more duets with Rachel.
I think my tweet at the moment of this storming out says it best: The queen hath laid down her royal decree. It. Is. Written.
April and Will are practicing a song about lil Hot Mess’s sexual exploits with Emma looking on [awkward] and Miss Rhodes begs him to forget taking the kids to nationals and to come to Broadway instead.
Now it’s time for another episode of Fondue For Two. A slightly morose Brittany explains to her viewers that Santana was going to be her guest, but she had sent her a text that said simply, “I can’t.”
Gay panic strikes again.
Instead, she talks to her chubby chainsmoking kitty, because the show must go on.
Emma is in the teacher’s lounge eating fruit that she does not need to individually sanitize before eating. Sure, she rinsed them for half an hour, but that’s almost normal and Will and I are SO proud of her. Emma says it’s HIS turn to be brave and take a chance on Broadway. He’s torn, but he doesn’t want to do that to the kids. They saved his life when he was in a dark place and he can’t just abandon them. Though the bright lights of Broadway are quite tempting.
At Glee rehearsal, Rachel decides to knock Go Your Own Way out of the park. Quinn is miffed because it’s clear this song is being directed at Finn and Brittany is also not pleased, having had the two people she cared about most break her heart in one week’s time.
Quinn tells Rachel she’s being inappropriate and Rachel tells Quinn she’s a cheating cheater who cheats. Suddenly, the gang all jumps in and starts pointing fingers at Sam, who finally snaps and says that Quinn and Kurt have been helping him, not sleeping with him. When Will asks him to explain, he tells everyone that his dad lost his job and he’s been living out of a motel. He storms out, leaving the others looking embarrassed at having caused a scene, and rightfully so.
Sue and the Honey Badger are trying to trick April into convincing Schue to go to Broadway. Even the alcoholic, immoral teeny tiny diva thinks this is all shifty business, but Sue assures her that she has everything under control.
Rachel and Finn go to visit Sam in his motel room and apologize for the chaos they created. They meet his adorable little siblings and give him a gift – his guitar they bought out of hock. They want to know that now that they know, they’re going to support him in any way they can. It’s actually super adorable and precious and it reminds me how much I love this Glee club. Friendship makes me happy.
The next day, Jewfro is following Santana [in yet another pair of gay overalls] down the hallway, asking her to comment on a rumor about her and Karofsky that he traced back to her own IP address. She shrugs this off and says that they’re fine and he pushes her further and asks if they’re soulmates. This prompts her to immediately look up at Brittany, and you can see the pain in her eyes quickly get pushed down by the gay panic and she says that sounds accurate before heading in to Glee rehearsal.
After Will assures the group that the only dream he’s focusing on right now is taking them to Nationals, Sam comes in with his mini-mes and asks if he can have a go at this week’s assignment.
They head over to the auditorium and do a fun, heartwarming number about hope and apologies and it’s just so lovely. Plus, there are little kids dancing.
Next week is Prom! And by next week I mean last week since this one is so late!!
[You still love me though, right?]