@Universe I was thinking…

Fact: I tweet. A lot. To be fair, I have been on Twitter since long before every fictional character, major company, celebrity and news show had one.  When I first joined, it was so me and four of my closest friends could communicate more easily.  It was like a mass text, but everyone could see everyone else’s responses.  So I could tweet, “Who wants to go to the movies tonight?” and see each persons responses, and wouldn’t have to answer questions like, “Well who else is going?”, “What is so and so doing”, etc. However, it slowly became more popular, and soon there were more people than were in my closest circle of friends.  Suddenly, we had to be a little more cautious of what we were tweeting. “Oh, I don’t want them to come, so I won’t tweet about it, I’ll just text people.” “Crap, I can’t tweet about that party, that person wasn’t invited”, etc.  From then on, instead of a tool for communication, Twitter became [for me] just a channel for the random thoughts that I felt needed to get out of my head, but weren’t really important enough to be said to a specific person.  Also, frustrations, joys, comments or concerns that I wanted to express to something that cannot actually be contacted directly. Like inanimate objects.  Or abstract things, like the weather.  Sometimes, it’s also my channel for reminding myself of things.

For any of you who happen to read this and also have been following me on Twitter, this post will appear redundant.  However, since I feel as though the overlap will be minimal if it even exists, I decided to compile some of my favorite tweets and post them here.  I was going through looking for a Snapple Fact I once tweeted [because I found out some of them aren’t true…but that’s another story for another day] and was mildly amused by some of my past tweets.  So, I hope you enjoy them.  If you don’t? I suggest you don’t follow me on Twitter.

Random thoughts

Valerie – motivation + stress about impending homelessness – human contact = insanity. and spontaneous laughter.

Girl in front of me:”Do you know where we are?” Girl next to me: “We’re on the bus to hell.” Sadly, I think she may be right.

“My name is Ron Long, L-o-n-g as in short.” uhhh…wrong. stop trying to confuse me this early in the morning before I’ve had my coffee.

Spreadsheets and data and items and projects, headaches and sneezing and pain in my sinus, pressure so painful that my poor ear rings…[these are a few of my least favorite things]

Nothing stops a sneeze dead in its tracks quite like a mouthful of hair on the upswing.

I have this problem where I can’t just let sleeping dogs lie. And I always end up getting scratched…

I’m starting to realize that lesbians and vampires have a lot in common.

Ramen in the morning, Ramen in the evening, Ramen at suppertime. When Ramen’s all you haaave, you can eat Ramen anytime

My shoes smell like coconut rum.

It’s times like this I say, ‘Self, you should clean your room so it’ll be easy to pack.’ and my self responds ‘Fuck you, I’m going to bed.’

Letters to inanimate objects

Dear paper cut, I’m sorry I didn’t notice you before, but could have spoken up sooner instead of waiting until I put antibacterial on…ouch

Dear UPS, please stop sucking. If I had a dollar for every time you’ve lied to me in the past week, I’d be able to buy my own UPS truck. ~ V

Ma’am, just because there’s paint on your chest doesn’t mean you’re not naked.

Dear phone, sorry for dropping you yet again on the concrete floor. Thanks for being so good to me and not mistaking my clumsiness for abuse.

Goldfish, is it legal for you to make your treats w.crack? It makes it difficult to make a bag of you last for a reasonable amount of time.

Dear MegaBus, changing drivers in a dark parking lot in the middle of nowhere at 9:30pm is a little odd. Be safe. And calm down w.the AC ❤ V

Dear today’s weather, I don’t know if you’re considered summer or fall, but I like you. A lot. Please stick around. ❤ V

Dear Cable Guy, I know I’m a 23yr old girl home alone in her apartment, but I just put A LOT of knives in our utensil drawer. Don’t mess. ❤ V

Sir, I cannot believe you just tried to flirt w.me while you were flinging around lamb carcass. Disgusting. I hate Tuesdays.

Sir, the Edward Cullen hairdo doesn’t even really work for Edward Cullen. Tone it down. – V

Dear chocolate peanut butter ice cream, you are the best $5 I’ve ever spent. I don’t even care that you contain 4 days worth of calories. ❤ V

Dear insides, please stop hurting. You’re making the hypochondriac in me think it’s multiple organ failure, which would suck so much. ❤ V

Dear Valerie, CONTROL YOURSELF, recycling only works with paper or plastic. Not people. ❤ V

Dear Twitter, I’m not in the Civic Center, so I’m not sure why you’re trying to tell me I am. You’re not a very good stalker. ❤ V

Dear Mysterious Food Allergy, please make yourself known. And please don’t be soy. Because most of the foods I like contain soy. Thanks. <3V

Dear E!, Those celebrity birthdays were not brought to us by IHOP…they were brought to us by their moms’ vaginas. ❤ V

Dear thunder and lightning, when you are not accompanied by rain, you remind me of an apocalypse. ❤ V

Thank you, dryer, for making my clothes WARM and wet. Really, I appreciate it. I didn’t expect you to do what your name implied at all.


~ by Valerie Anne on 11/03/2010.

2 Responses to “@Universe I was thinking…”

  1. One word: RAMEN.

    OK, two words: RAMEN and HILARIOUS.

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