How to Break Someone’s Heart

Follow these simple steps and be sure to leave anyone heartbroken.

Ingredients:

*Patience – this is a time-consuming process.  This can not be done in less than three months, and the longer it goes on, the more effective it will be.

*A target – preferably someone naïve and not previously jaded

*A committed relationship [or the illusion of one]

*Text messaging capabilities

Step One

Once you have selected your target, be sure to begin flirtation immediately.  Beginning with the very first meeting, make it clear that you are interested.  This is a small window, because waiting too long could cause platonic feelings to become permanent.

Step Two

Take any opportunity you can to make physical contact – for example, when you’re talking, put your hand on their arm.  Or when you walk past them, gently place your hand on their lower back as you “squeeze” past them, even if you have plenty of room.

For extra kick, at the right moment – preferably in a setting that could sometimes be construed as romantic, such as a dimly lit movie theatre – look into their eyes, brush the hair off their face and tell them that they’re beautiful.  This should ensure that the heartbreak to be completed later will be that much more devastating.

Step Three

Start telling mutual friends vague details about your “feelings” for this person.  Never say it directly – make sure that the message that gets back to them can be interpreted as proof that you like them, without actually being proof at all.  This way, later when they’re going over the whole situation again, they can doubt the meaning behind these rumors.

[Note: About the committed relationship – DO NOT under any circumstances tell them yourself. Let them find out on their own, through a third party.]

Step Four

Plan at least one get together where the two of you will be alone.  This works best after one or two gatherings in small groups.  You can arrange this one of two ways – either directly set up a plan that involves only the two of you, or arrange it so that it seems like more people are invited and everyone else “happens” to back out.

Step Five

Once you are alone, be sure to sit as close as possible.  Gradually get closer throughout the night until you are holding hands.  When the night is over, make sure the goodbye hug is lingering.  After departing, wait about ten minutes and then send a text message that reminds them that things would have gone differently if you weren’t already in a relationship.  This will both confuse and hurt your target – on one hand, it’s saying that you like them, while still reminding them it will never happen. This text is a key component to the plan.

Step Six

A few weeks after Step Five is complete, you are finally ready for the heartbreak.  The situation itself can vary, but you must be face-to-face for this to work.  You have to be together for a few hours before the official heartbreak, or the effect with be less significant.  Make sure you’re acting normal for the first part of the encounter, and then [without warning] pull the person aside and tell them that you want to make it work with the person you’re currently in a relationship with.  Then, and it’s important to do this immediately, practically in the same breath, ask if you can still be friends.  Make it abundantly clear that the past few months have just been a game to you and that you have no real feelings for them.

Congratulations, you have just broken someone’s heart!

Bonus Steps!

To prolong the heartache, send a text message once approximately every three to six weeks with phrases such as, “I miss you” and “You’re amazing”.  You can even add your own flare by making plans you never intend to keep or saying things like “Don’t give up on us” just to string them along further.  If you’re skilled enough [and this may take practice], this type of communication can cause the heartbreak to go on for over a year!

Happy Heartbreaking!

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~ by Valerie Anne on 11/07/2010.

4 Responses to “How to Break Someone’s Heart”

  1. Love this.

    I want to read the poem.

    Love this.

  2. […] when I posted How To Break Someone’s Heart, I mentioned in the tags that it originated from a poem.  We had an assignment in my writing class […]

  3. hahahha oh my god this is perfection

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