The city goes to bed…

…and I can live inside my head.

I feel broken tonight.

I feel sadness heavy inside me.

I went to see In The Heights tonight – a brilliant and wonderful Broadway musical.  Unique, funny and full of songwriting and performing talent.

But it made me sad.

The story is happy, overall.

But it hits too close to home in some ways.

So now I feel lost.

I know where I am, and I know this is where I’m supposed to be. I’m happy here. But I know I can’t stay here forever, and I don’t know where I’m supposed to go next or how I’m supposed to get there.

And wherever it is, I don’t want to go alone.

I’m tired of being alone.

I know I can survive on my own.  I know I can be happy alone.  I’ve been happy alone for a while now.  The past few months – almost a year now – I’ve been really, truly happier than I have ever been.  Just being me. Alone. I was just figuring out who I was and what I needed to make me happy.

Now? Now that I’ve started to discover who I am, I want to share it with someone.

Especially on nights like this.

You know that feeling.  When one thing makes you cry for one very specific reason and all of a sudden, all of those things that you’ve been pushing aside for who knows how long jump in line to come pushing out with those tears.  It’s like you started a ripple effect and one tear leads to more until you’re not even sure why you’re crying anymore.

Tonight, the show, in combination with what had been thinking about last night and missing Grammie, also made me miss my Nana and pray she never leaves me.  It was one of those nights that I wanted to come home and have someone to curl up with, who wouldn’t ask questions but just hold me while I cried.

It made me sad for Broadway.  This show – this different, new, fascinating show – is closing in January.  Any show that isn’t a jukebox musical or based on a popular movie or book is being closed.  The classics are gone and almost forgotten.  We have to trick this generation into listening to Broadway and even then they’re sometimes resistant to it.

I’m tired and I’m weak.  I know tomorrow I’ll wake up and I’ll feel better. I’ll be happier.  I’ll realize how lucky I am to be living my dream, even if it isn’t quite how I thought it would turn out.  I’ll realize I’m lucky to be me and lucky to have the people in my life that I do.

But for now? I just want to be sad.

I called my mom today and we were talking about the most recent episode of Glee and I jokingly said that it almost made me cry my first happy tears.  She laughed and said my day would come.  I said I highly doubted it because I don’t understand them.

She said, “No, you just guard your emotions more than most people.”

This surprised me. I didn’t know it was obvious. Especially with all the talking and opinionating I do, I didn’t realize people noticed the lack of emoting.

I surprised her right back when I took it as a compliment.  I said confidently, “I’m proud of these walls I’ve built.”

And I could practically hear her shaking her head at me.

That’s why when I let just one brick get loose, take my eye off a wall for just one second, the whole thing comes tumbling down.  It’s probably a good thing because it means I’ve been storing way too much behind those walls.  But it’s so hard to stop the flood once it has started.

So tonight, I cry.

Tomorrow? Tomorrow, I’ll smile.


~ by Valerie Anne on 12/09/2010.

2 Responses to “The city goes to bed…”

  1. Has anything ever turned out quite how you thought it would? Just wondering.

  2. You make a very good point, Bethy.

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