Remember December

On December 27th, 2009, I prepared myself to have a conversation with my parents that I had been dreading. I had been putting it off for years, planning it for months.  It was something I had been alluding to for a while, trying to test out the waters, but I had only recently become undoubtedly certain, and needed to get it out.

I had no idea how this conversation was going to go.

I was home for Christmas and I put it off until they were driving me back to New York. Just as we hit the highway, there was a lull in the conversation.

“Mom, Dad, I have something I need to tell you. I don’t really know the best way to do it, so I’m just going to say it.”

My father is silent, my mom sounds hesitant, “Okay…”

“I’m gay.”

Silence. I don’t breathe. I’m light headed. My hands are shaking. I’m so glad they’re not facing me. because having to look them in the eye might have caused me to pass out.

Finally, my mom says something.

“…and?”

“And what?”

“That’s it?”

“What do you mean that’s it?”

“Do you have any idea the number of horrible things that go through a mother’s head when you say, ‘I have something to tell you’?!”

“Oh…so, you’re not mad?”

“Mad? No. You thought I’d be mad? This isn’t really a big surprise, honey. Honestly, I’m glad this is the reason you seem to have been avoiding the subject of your personal life at all.”

“Daddy?”

“What?”

“Do you have anything to add?”

“Me? No. I’ve known since you were in high school. As long as you’re happy, I’m happy.”

“Hmph. Well that went better than I had planned. I think I watch too much TV.”

After a moment of silence my mother turns around.

“Not for nothing, but if you thought we were going to get angry and yell or flip out or something, did you really think telling us on the highway was the best idea?”

“Well, I figured this way we wouldn’t get interrupted and you couldn’t storm away on me.”

“You’re crazy.”

“Apparently.”

The conversation following was normal and painless. My mother had a few questions about girls I had mentioned in the past, wondering if any of them had been flings.  We talked about why my father knew since high school and what gave my mother the suspicions she had more recently.

My mother still makes comments now and then that remind me that it’s not something she’s entirely comfortable with.  This is through no fault of hers; it’s the fault of the people who raised her generation.  The world she grew up in was unforgiving and they didn’t have as much exposure as our generation and the generations to come.  But I know she’s trying, which is more than I could have hoped for.

Anyway, prior to coming out to my parents and afterwards I had been slowly but surely telling some of my friends and family.  Some of my friends were like “duh”.  Some were a little surprised.  I don’t think anyone was truly shocked.  Some people at work when they find out are pretty stunned, but they don’t know me as well as my friends.  And they always react positively.  However, whatever the initial reaction, that’s all it was. A reaction. Then we moved on as if nothing had changed. Because nothing had. I was still me, the same exact person I was the day before they knew.  All that changed was that they now knew this one piece of information that had always been true.  If anything changed, it was only my level of confidence. I was finally able to be me, fully and completely.

This year has been amazing.  I have never been happier, and I believe it has everything to do with me coming out. Being me.  Being happy with being me.  It made me hate that I waited so long. I should have known that I had surrounded myself with amazing people who loved me for me, no matter what.

Alas, we cannot regret the past, only make plans for the future.  So here’s to 2011, may it be as gay and wonderful and complicated and exciting as 2010 was, and more.

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~ by Valerie Anne on 12/30/2010.

6 Responses to “Remember December”

  1. Hi there, just the person who has been stalking you online for 9+ years now. It’s not as creepy as it sounds because I know you right?

    I liked your play on words at the end, a lot.

  2. You definitely managed to make yourself sound way creepier than you actually are.

    And thank you. 🙂

  3. I’m glad you’re happy. 🙂 I hated how unhappy you could be in high school.

    • Thank you. So much.

      I hated how unhappy I could be in high school also. It was a heaviness and darkness I thought I was going to have to carry around with me for the rest of my life.

      I can’t express how happy I am that I no longer have to bear that heaviness or darkness anymore.

  4. OK, first? I love your parents. Love them.

    And second? I have had several discussions lately about the past. About time wasted. About things that one might wish to go back and change. And I say?

    NO.

    There is no such thing as wasted time. Time spent NOT doing what you want to be doing? Or should be doing? Is still time. Time that you own and live and which carries you to the moment in which you eventually do the thing. Whatever it is.

    And no backsies. All that went before, the good and the bad, makes you who you are in this moment right here.

    And who you are in this moment right here is amazing and strong and confident and lovely.

    So you?

    Are just where you are supposed to be.

    And you are right on time.

    You are perfect.

    • I am a very lucky girl to have the parents I have. Though this fact was far from my realm of knowledge as a teenager, I am fully aware of it now.

      And you’re right. The time past has affected me in every way. Every day I spent wondering or worrying shaped and changed me. It made me who I am. And I like who I am.

      So yes. I’m right were I’m supposed to be.

      So thank you.

      Your words are perfect.

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