Poetry Block

I was not in the best place, emotionally, when I was in high school.

Don’t get me wrong, I had some wonderful times with some wonderful friends.  I was just a mess.

My days were kind of like that poem about the little girl with the curl…

There was a little girl and she had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, VERY good.
But when she was bad? She was HORRID!

I was under a lot of pressure academically, socially, physically.  Pressure put on by my parents, society, myself.  I held myself to impossible standards. I let others’ pain consume me.  I was just not good at handling my own emotions, in general.

I did, however, have ways to cope. Some ways were less than favorable.  Others were fairly standard.

One way I coped was through writing.  I wrote a lot of poems in high school. I never shared most of these poems, but I wrote them.  Most of them are poorly written, forced rhymes and cheesy sentiments.  But writing helped me cope.  Putting my feelings into words, but in a way that was kind of like a puzzle.  I liked my poems to have rhyme and rhythm.  Usually ABAB four line stanzas.  Often following the same rhythm.  For example, every stanza having the same number of syllables per line.

When I was so upset or angry that I didn’t know what to do with myself, I would find a journal or a notebook or a scrap of paper or a computer and I would write.  Sometimes I think just the process of writing – as in, putting a pen to paper to form letters or pressing letters on a keyboard to form words – was relaxing in itself.

It came easily and freely and it didn’t usually take me long to complete something that was satisfactory enough that I no longer felt the suffocating sadness or blinding rage.

I don’t write poems anymore.

At least not nearly as often as I used to.  I wrote one a few years ago – the one I shared here – after someone broke my heart.  I wrote a silly little one at Christmas as a fun way to say “Sorry, Daddy, your present hasn’t arrived yet but this is what it is and this is my geeky way of telling you what it is!”

That’s about it.

I haven’t felt so dark that I needed to make a depressing word puzzle.

And I’m beyond grateful for that.

Yesterday and today I received an inordinate amount of appreciation for doing things I enjoyed doing, many heartwarming compliments and an overwhelming amount of kindness.

Happy is not the word for my recent state of mind.  Ecstatic doesn’t even seem to cover it.  I feel positive energy starting from my bones and just radiating from my pores.

I don’t know if I just appreciate this feeling more than most because of the depth of my former sadness.  Or if I’m just extraordinarily fortunate and not everyone gets to feel like this.

I have a feeling it’s a combination of both.

Either way, no matter how hard I try, words cannot express how I have been feeling lately.

Which is quite a switch from my nearly constant need to get my thoughts out on paper years ago.

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~ by Valerie Anne on 01/07/2011.

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