Gleecap 2.15 – Sexy

aka The One Where My Heart Expanded Threefold Then Imploded On Itself

Or Holly Holiday Is A Goddess for short.

This one’s going to be a hard one to write without getting off track. I have so many emotions, feelings, opinions.

Fortunately, though this episode had a serious undertone, there were some laugh-out-loud moments, so hopefully this Gleecap will still be mildly entertaining.

I mean, when Holly Holiday is involved, everything is entertaining. Even cucumbers.

So we open on a gavel bang and Emma is calling a meeting of the Celibacy Club to order. Which isn’t difficult because, besides her, the Celibacy Club consists of Rachel and Quinn. I would think there would be rules against having teen moms in clubs like this, but I’m all about inclusion.  They briefly pat themselves on the back for choosing abstinence, focusing on themselves (and Rachel’s songwriting…which I hope has drastically improved from last week) and being slightly terrified of the “hose-monster”.   Rachel decides she has some questions about sex and Emma spazzes out and says IF YOU HAVE SEX YOU WILL GET CHLAMYDIA AND DIE!

Emma expresses her concern about her cause and Will remembers what Q went through and agrees that teaching them to just avoid sex at all costs is a good idea.

Then from the heavens descends a magical creature and we hear the sweet voice of a goddess say:

“Sounds pretty LAME.”

Yes, friends – Holly Holiday has returned to us. And hits one out of the park her first time at bat.  Emma looks frazzled (what else is new) but Will jumps up and smushes her face in his hands because he just can’t contain his excitement.

Because she is not just a deity of humor, she elaborates on her point of view, saying that the more kids know, the better armed they’re going to be.  You can’t tell kids what to do, but you can give them all the information they need if they do want to consider having sex.  This is when I realize that this episode is gonna get REAL.  They have a very legitimate argument that actually happens in schools across the nation.  I went to Catholic high school, so teaching abstinence was a given – but the argument was, is it realistic to assume we’re all going to adhere to this? Should they teach us about safe sex too?

Holly Holiday has realized that the Glee kids are about as misinformed as toddlers when her demonstration about condoms and social diseases leave Finn and Mercedes swearing off cucumbers for fear they’ll contract AIDS.

Cut to magic.

Santana casually bounces over to Brittany, calls her “Brit-Brit” and asks if she wants to come over later for a Sweet Valley High cuddle session. My heart grew a little. Then not only did she want to cuddle with Brittany, but she wanted to watch SWEET VALLEY HIGH. One of my very favorite book series growing up. Therefore, I obviously watched the show, though I don’t remember that quite as well.  I’m almost positive teenagers today have no idea what SVH is, but (as with much of Glee) I didn’t let reality get in the way of my unadulterated joy. My heart grew a little more when B said that though she’d love some more Sweet Lady Kisses, she hasn’t been feeling sexy lately.  She thinks she’s preggo.

Santana’s shock clouds her knowledge of her bestie’s general common sense skills (or lack thereof) and just assumes Brittany is right and the rumor that she’s knocked up spreads faster than Paris Hilton’s legs.  Artie goes pale and B explains that she was going to tell him as soon as the stork building a nest outside her bedroom dropped the baby off.  Santana’s horrified look says it all – Brit is more clueless than anyone imagined.

I guess we should have seen it coming when she kept making comments about Quinn being fat and not quite grasping the baby incubator concept, but it still took us all by surprise.

Will tells Holly she’s right. He jazzercises his plea to have her come sing for the kids – teaching through song.  Because this is Glee and that’s how we DO.

Mr. Schue writes “Sexy” on the board and I squirm around in my seat as much as the Glee kids do because we’re all thinking the same thing. “Please don’t rap about being sexy, Mr. Schuester, we promise we’ll never even think about sex!”  He stumbles around the topic for a second and then, thankfully, calls in reinforcement.  Miss Holiday makes her appearance at Glee Club and while most of New Directions are happy to have her back, Mercedes looks at her cautiously, having just been traumatized by her a few periods ago.  Holly spouts a few lines about sex (“like hugging, but wetter!”) and calls Rachel frigid before Will finally interrupts and tells her to shut up and sing.

Though I’m not sure exactly what point she was trying to make here, I quickly stop trying to figure it out when she points to Brittany and then to Santana and the three of them start doing a dance that would make the even the Pope regret his vow of celibacy.

Just when she has everyone (including Will) all riled up, she throws out this nugget of pure goddessly wisdom: “Remember, whenever you have sex with someone, you’re having sex with everyone they’ve ever slept with. And everybody has a random.”

Perfect.

In the Warbler’s coffee shop, Sue bombards Kurt and Blaine with intel they didn’t ask for.  After she says some offensive things and leaves, Kurt looks like nothing happened but Blaine looks pensive.  He says they need to get sexified. And in saying “sexified” proves that he knows absolutely nothing about being sexy. At least, sexy on purpose.  The Warblers decide to take their first stab at sex appeal by luring Catholic school girls to a large abandoned warehouse.  Erm… Anyway, they start to sing and this is another one of those times where my notes say it all: “Seriously, can anyone else—KURT’S SINGING!” I thought it was going to be another episode of the Blaine Show when BAM Kurt joined in, making ridiculous faces and pawing at the air like he was a kitten who had just OD’d on catnip.  Bubbles fall from the sky and the girls are swooning over Blaine, who is now quick to tell them which team he plays on.  He immediately goes back to Kurt to ask him what was up with the faces he made.  Kurt gets frustrated and says he just doesn’t know how to be sexy, OKAY?!

Cue my heart expanding YET AGAIN. Santana playing with Brittany’s hair. Brittany saying she likes when they make out “and stuff”.

Basically this adorable scene where Brittany saying their relationship confuses her because they never talk about their feelings.  Santana counters with the fact that even breakfast confuses her (It’s okay, B, breakfast confuses me, too) and that it’s better with feelings. Brittany disagrees and says they should talk to an adult about it, Miss Holiday’s lesson possibly actually sinking in, and Santana looks like she’s going to crawl out of her own skin, but she doesn’t disagree.

They find themselves on a classroom floor with Holly in a circle of trust that could make even the coldest heart melt a little.  Holly tones down her sass and turns on the serious and looks at the two teenagers sitting across from her and asks if either one of them thinks they might be a lesbian. I cringe, expecting at least Santana to shriek in terror at the word, but both of them stay calm and serious and kind of quiet.  Brittany breaks the silence but saying “I don’t know” and Santana quickly chimes in with, “Yeah, I mean, who knows? I’m attracted to girls and boys.”  She gets serious again and tells them what they’re feeling and experiencing is normal.  She went to an all girls school and she has some leftover lesbian tendencies as well.  She says in the end, it’s who you love, not who you’re attracted to.

Which to some people might not make sense. But if my 14-year-old self had seen this episode of Glee – hell, if any of my selves before my 22-year-old-self had seen this episode of Glee, things would have made a lot more sense.  I would have almost definitely come out a lot sooner.  The way they talked about relationships and sexuality not needing labels and not being black and white was just awesome. And much needed on a popular prime time show in this day and age.

Holly suggests they stick to the age old method of singing their feelings and Santana immediately perks up – she has the perfect song. But will need Holly’s help to sing it.

Will decides he wants to prepare his own Sex Ed song for the club and asks for HH’s help turning Prince’s Kiss into a tango.  Seriously, sometimes I think Sue’s right and he does in fact inhale too many chemicals from his hair products.  Weird concept, but somehow they make it kind of work even though there are times where I can’t tell which one of them is singing. The staging and costumes are beautiful though, and it’s a pretty good song. Though if you listen to the words, it’sincredibly strange for them to be romantic-dancing to.

They end Kiss with a kiss (duh) and Holly pulls away and tells him she’s damaged goods. I mean, of course she is. You can’t be THAT funny without a world of hurt behind it. He says he doesn’t mind, that he can handle it, but she is fairly certain he can’t and leaves.

Blaine decides, then, to go to Kurt’s dad’s garage and tell this man that he only saw once in a morning-after hungover stupor (as far as we know) that he needs to have a sex talk with his son because Kurt (inexplicably) doesn’t want to talk to Blaine about it and even in sex ed classes there’s little ever said about gay sex (word) and that he’s going to get used like a little rag doll if he isn’t prepared.  Burt is as weirded out by this as I am but takes this message to heart. Since he’s the best TV Dad that ever existed.

Three stools. Three girls dressed kind of like hippies. A guitar. It’s like a lesbian dream.  Brittany on one side of Goddess Holly Holiday and Santana on the other.  Then comes the most moving rendition of Landslide I have ever heard. I used to love this song when I was little, but I never really understood the words.  In my tiny imagination, it was always just flashes of a woman walking alone in the snow, turning around and watching her northern lights-esque reflection tumble down a small mountain.  Very literal, and though I didn’t see any deeper, I could tell it was a powerful song.  Hearing Gwyneth and Naya harmonize to it, seeing the looks that Brittany and Santana were sharing, the tears welling up in Santana’s eyes…It was honestly touching.  At the end of the song, Brittany turns her baby blues to Santana and asks if Santana really felt like that and Santana says yes and they embrace and look at each other with the warmest, most loving looks.

Then Lips ruins the moment by leaning into Artie and opening his gaping hole and commenting on how awesome it is that their girlfriends are so close and wishes he had the same relationship with Wheels.  Artie tosses him a raised-eyebrow look that suggests he might suspect more is going on between this dynamic duo, but remains silent.

Rachel makes some bitch-ass comment about the Sapphic performance and Santana snaps at her, causing a brief wave of hesitation to flash over Brittany’s face.

Horrified that Holly got to spread her sexiness all over the Glee Club, Emma starts huffing and puffing until Will calms her down by asking her to present her side of the argument to his kids.  She agrees (says she’ll “nail her to the wall”…heh) and somehow ropes Puck and Uncle Jesse into singing with her, Quinn and Rachel.  They appear in the auditorium dressed like they’re Amish with some sort of pastry floating in the background.  They start singing Afternoon Delight because Uncle Jesse didn’t have the heart to tell her that this song is about the S word.  Miss Holiday wastes no time in making it pointedly clear, however, and Emma’s eyes get bigger than ever and she fervently promises Rachel that it’s about dessert.  With all the deep topics being touched upon in this episode, I needed this ridiculous scene and I think it was very appropriately placed.  I mean, LOOK at them:

Kurt’s dad tosses some pamphlets in front of him and tells him it’s time they had the talk. Despite Kurt asking for this VERY SPECIFICALLY just last week, he throws his fingers up to his ears and starts going LA LA LA. Very unsexy.  Burt goes into this awesome sex talk/speech about how sex is giving part of you away and it even made ME think about sex and even though he tossed in a joke about letting sex be a 30th birthday present to himself, he really opens up to Kurt and talks to him and Kurt really hears him and appreciates what his dad is doing for him. Hell, I appreciate what his dad is doing for him.  He looked him in the eye and told him he mattered.

All parents should do that. I know most do it with their actions or indirectly. But I think every parent should look their child square in the eye and tell them, “You matter.”

Back at McKinley, Holly is holding couples therapy for Uncle Jesse and Emma.  They’ve been married for four months and haven’t had sex yet. Which is kind of surprising, based on the way she had been throwing herself at Will right before she spontaneously decided to marry the dentist. Though less surprising to the All Knowing Holiday because she flat out asks, are you still in love with Will Schuester.  Emma stumbles and fumbles for an answer and Uncle Jesse says he’s staying in a hotel tonight.  He leaves and Emma turns her doe eyes up at Holly and begs her not to tell Mr. Schue.  Then Holly delivers her best one yet:

“My lips are sealed. Just like your legs! Ooh…that was rude.”

The laughter was a good way to transition into the next scene, which I will not be able to accurately describe with my words.  But I’ll give it my best shot.

Santana approaches Brittany at her locker, much less bouncy than she did in the beginning of the episode. Then she starts to pour her soul out. Right there for Brittany to see.  Her eyes occasionally dart to the other students in the hall, but sure no one’s paying attention, she continues. She tells Brittany that she doesn’t care about the other boys. All the sass, all the fake sluttiness…it was all a cover up. But now she was ready to admit it. She looks at Brittany and asks in a soft, gentle way – honestly asking, not in any way accusing – if she understood what she was saying.  Brittany looked at her not like she didn’t understand the words, as is usually the case.  She shook her head as if to say, I understand what you’re saying, but I don’t understand what you mean.  The way any of us would have if this girl who marches around with a brave face every day broke down in front of us like that. Then she said it. Santana said “I love you” and with tears streaming down her flawless face, she pleaded for Brittany to say she loves her too.

Brittany says of course.  There’s a flicker of hope in Santana’s eyes, a joy so pure it could melt a rainbow.  This joy is shortlived, however, because Brit continues by saying that if it weren’t for Artie, she would be all hers. And proudly.  Santana’s heart shatters to the ground and she looks at Brittany with nothing but disbelief, all traces of that joy she just had gone from her eyes.

She says what I was thinking.  Why would you choose Artie? He’s just a stupid boy.

Brittany reaches out to comfort her best friend, as she’s done countless times before, but the walls are back up and stronger than ever, so Santana snaps away as if Brittany’s hands burned her skin.  She says, “Don’t. Just…don’t.” And turns and walks away, defeated and broken.

Since they didn’t want anyone with feelings to hurl themselves out of their bedroom window, the show didn’t end there.  The entire Glee Club is now also in Celibacy Club (Santana still looking fragile and shaken) and Quinn is called out about the hickey on her neck, which she quickly shrugs off as a burn from her curling iron.  We flash to what actually happened – Finn and Quinn canoodling.  And I tried really hard to care, but then Quinn said something about rallying for Prom Queen and I realized that giving life to another human being didn’t actually make her any less shallow, except during those few months were she was actually carrying it.

Holly goes into the choir room to say goodbye and me and Will both beg her not to leave us.  Holly says that, though she seems to be Wise, she actually learned something through helping Brittana. That she’s getting older, too. She says she thinks it’s time to take a stab at an adult relationship and I can only hope this means she’ll be sticking around for a little while.

Next week on Glee: Original Songs at Regionals!  Also, is this the Season Finale? Because Announcer Dude didn’t tell me it was, but the fact that we’re already at Regionals makes me nervous. I need timelines, people!

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~ by Valerie Anne on 03/10/2011.

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