Gleecap 2.18 – Born This Way

aka The One Where Everything Was Gay And Nothing Hurt

My heart attacks began in the “previously on” where the voiceover said the words “Santana has it bad for Brittany”.  Implying that this is relevant information for the events to come.  And indeed it was.

But first:

Mr. Schuester is telling the kids that their vocals dominate, but their moves could use a little work.  The answer? Booty camp. Undoubtedly to be led by Brittany and Mike.  However, everyone’s favorite gentle giant gets a little too into it and knocks Rachel clean over after making direct contact with her nose.

Finn feels horrible and accompanies Rachel to the nose doctor while she waits for her invisible Dads.  The doc confirms that it’s broken, but that it doesn’t need to be reset.  He then makes me doubt that he has any kind of license when he asks the underage girl who is unaccompanied by an adult if she wants a nose job. No, sorry – he encourages her to get a nose job.  I start to think maybe it’s Sue in disguise when he goes so far to say it might actually improve her singing voice.

Rachel presents this potential cosmetic change to the rest of the Gleeks after school, since Glee club sometimes doubles as group therapy.  Everyone is appalled and horrified at the idea…except Santana.

Santana keeps it real and is hilarious and points out her classmates’ flaws one by one.  She concludes with, “If you look in the mirror and you don’t like what you see, change it.”

There’s no way Santana has ever looked in any type of reflective surface and not seen utter perfection, so I’m going to go ahead and say this is a little gay panic showing through.

Tina counters her point but saying she’s “in love with” herself [which seems a little intense] and wouldn’t change how she looks.  Mike calls her bluff and brings up the colored contacts she sometimes wears. Tina then proceeds to COMPLETELY contradict herself and say she’s only trying to mirror what she sees in the magazines – after all, there aren’t many Asian sex symbols to look up to.

Will is horrified at listening to all of this and stops them all and insists that what makes them different is also what makes you different.

Mercedes states a sad but ever-present truth: “The thing that makes you different is the thing that people use to crush your spirit.”

Schue brings his concerns to Emma and they talk a little about her OCD as well – she’s starting to get defensive of it as it gets worse – and she says that it’s just part of who she is, even if she wasn’t born that way.  Will gets that look like he has a potentially horrible plan hatching under that tuft of hair and says he’s going to teach this lesson with the kids’ other favorite teacher – Gaga.

Santana’s glorious voice takes over the narration while she mopes in the hallway while watching Brittany and Artie be gross.

She looks at a poster on the wall and thinks that maybe SHE should be vying for prom queen.  She says that Brittany’s so gullible (note: gullible. Santana knows her girl’s not as dumb as she acts.) that she could probably convince her it’s royal decree that they be together.  All she needs is someone with enough pull to help her get more votes… She watches Karofsky walk down the hallway while she ponders this thought and notices him checking out Sam while he’s bending over at the water fountain.  This time it’s Santana’s turn to have a lightbulb go off, but instead of being nervous, I get very, very excited.  Santana claims that her gaydar is amazing because she is a judgemental bitch and…wait for it…

A closet lesbian.

She said it. She knows it. It’s true. This is happening. Buckle your seatbelts, kiddos, because we’re barely a quarter way through the episode.

The Glee kids are at the coffee shop with Blaine and Kurt and Santana isn’t listening because she’s too busy wishing she was whipped cream.

She finally tunes in to the conversation and realizes that everyone wants Kurt back and that if she managed to do it, she would be a hero and she’s be able to get Brit back.  Her new official plan is to use Karofsky to get Kurt back to McKinley and become prom queen to impress BritBrit so they can rule the school together.  She abruptly leaves to start on this mission by saying, “I’ve gotta gay…er…go.”

And Blaine smiles an all-knowing smile.

Miss Pillsbury has joined Glee rehearsal today as Mr. Schuester’s example for this week’s lesson. Acceptance.  She has brought a letter press for everyone to make t-shirts that will display something about themselves that they don’t like but that they have to come to accept, because they were born that way.

They will proudly bear this thing that they’re ashamed of on their shirt and learn to love themselves – the best and the worst parts of them. Miss Pillsbury has already made her shirt so, at Schue’s request, she steps up for the big reveal and opens her shirt to display the word “Ginger”.  Will looks disappointed but she interrupts his protest to explain how she’s come to accept her red hair, so while it’s not what he had hoped she’d learn to accept, it still gets the point across to the kids.

Back at Dr. Sucksalot’s office, Quinn and Rachel are sitting together. Before I can raise an eyebrow, Rachel explains what’s going on by thanking Quinn for being her nose model.  Quinn doesn’t mind at all – she loves her little button nose.

There’s a little montage while Quinn and Rachel get their photos taken and they sing a splendid mashup of Unpretty and I Feel Pretty and there are all kinds of emotions flying all over the place.

In the hallway, Tweedle Dee, Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Getthefuckoffmyscreen are gushing over the posters Zizes put up announcing her candidacy for Prom Queen.  Quinn sees this and panics and when Quinn panics, she gets mean. She storms over to Zizes and starts rambling about how everyone is going to think it’s a joke that she’s running and that people want a queen that reminds them of who they wish they were.  You can actually hear the terror of potential failure in her voice.  Zizes says that people love her because she keeps it real to which I do the Tina/Mike Azn Halt hand and remind her that position has already been filled.  Q lets her know that this just got personal and storms off.

In some undisclosed location, away from the usual McKinley haunts (actually possibly the coffee shop Blaine and Kurt frequent), Santana and Karofsky are sharing a small table.  Karofsky was under the impression it was a date, but Santana has other plans.  She calls him out on gawking at boys and hating on Klaine because he’s a big ol’ homo.  She says not to worry, though, because “Auntie Tana” has a plan.

Auntie Tana? I die. Can she get any more awesome?

Oh right, she can.

She then tells Karofsky that she plays for his team.  This is the first time she has admitted this to anyone other than Brittany out loud, which means her heart wrenching rejection didn’t send her as far back into the closet as I had previously thought. Hooray!  Anyway, her plan is this – they’ll be each other’s beards, win prom king and queen and rule the school. Or she’ll out him and ruin his life.

Finn’s song for this lesson is about accepting his lack of dancing ability.  Him and Mike danced together, just to show the extreme juxtaposition, and all it took was one awkward leg kick and I found myself swooning a little for Finn.

In Group Therapy Session 2, Rachel shows off the composite pictures the Worst Doctor Ever compiled of what she would look like with Quinn’s nose.  She still doesn’t have the support of her peers, who like her just the way she is, but it doesn’t seem to shake her determination to do this.  Finn, much to Quinn’s dismay, can’t help but look Rachel square in the eye and tell her that she’s beautiful.  Because he’s adorable.

Emma and Will are having lunch together and he brings up that he was upset that she chose “Ginger” for her Born This Way shirt, and she defends herself by saying she’s a guidance counselor and can’t show her crazy to the kids.  Will points out that she most likely really was born that way, even if most of the symptoms had been triggered by her traumatic manure experience and that she really should get help because even though people put up with it because she’s adorable, it’s still a disorder and should still be treated.  He then decides that maybe she needs some tough love and puts on his scary Will angry face.  He then threatens her with dirty fruit and tries to get her to eat it.  Which is just unsanitary.  I believe in the five second rule, but I still wash my fruit before I eat it, Will. Come on now. You could have at least rinsed the blueberries and just not let her individually sanitize them. Jeebus. Your point wouldn’t have been very well taken if you had gotten e.coli from eating germ covered berries.

The principal has approached the Glee club with Karofsky by his side and the kids are all being very vocal about the fact that they don’t agree with his idea to let Karofsky speak to the group.  They don’t care what he has to say, but the adults in the room force them to shut up in listen. Dave apologizes for being mean to everyone, especially Kurt.  Santana mouths along with him this obviously rehearsed speech as he says he’s ashamed of what he’s done and who he has been. He tells them that Santana helped him change his ways and Quinn isn’t sure he’s talking about the same Santana.

Santana stands up and admits that, in order to bring Kurt back to their club, she has taken it upon herself to fix Karofsky and that along the way, they fell in love.

Brittany had the biggest smile on her face while she was saying she did this for the club, but it dropped faster than Charlie Sheen’s reputation when she grabbed his hand.

The rest of the club didn’t approve either.

This new dynamic duo has started an anti-bullying movement that does not have a gay name or a gay uniform even a little bit.

Anyway, on to the principal’s office where Burt is trying to decide if it’s really safe for Kurt to return to McKinley.  He’s being all protective and loud, but he still manages to be polite, because he’s Burt and he’s amazing.  Karofsky swears he’s seen the error of his ways and Kurt asks to speak to him alone.  I’m still unsure at this point if I believe Karofsky will lay off, but Kurt seems to be a little less hesitant than me.  He tells him that in order for this to work, they need to work together to start a PFLAG organization at their school.  Since that stands for “Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays”, it wouldn’t mean he would have to come out. He would just be able to be educated so maybe he wouldn’t think that he could shake the gay out of him by throwing smaller kids into lockers.

Out in the hallway, Burt tells Finn to watch out for his brother and I don’t know what’s cuter, the fact that he called him his brother or the fact that Finn’s response was, “Already on it”.

Puck strolls into the girl’s bathroom, causing everyone except for Rachel to flee.  He tells her she’s shaming their Jewish heritage and that she needs to meet him at the mall tomorrow so he can take one more shot at convincing her to keep her schnauze.

The kids all gather outside while Mercedes counts down til noon.  When they ask what happens at noon, Kurt busts in with a freaking TOP HAT on and announces that he’s officially back at McKinley.  The gang all cheers and then Mercedes explains why this meeting his happening in the expansive outside dining area – Blaine and his minions have come to sing a final goodbye to their little canary. I’m not sure how they were all dismissed from school for this or where all the instruments came from, but they sang a lovely song and it made Kurt tear up a little and insist that even though he’s leaving Dalton, he’s not leaving Blaine any time soon.

In true Kurt fashion, he sings a beautiful Broadway showtune to tell McKinley and the Glee club how much he missed them all and that it was good to be back. They even made crazy sets in the auditorium that had nothing to do with anything except that the song starts by mentioning painted oceans and trees. That, my friends, is true dedication to the return of Kurt.

Lauren Zizes channels the original creepy spygirl we knew her to be and had rifled through permanent records galore to dig up dirt on her opponent in the race for prom queen.  She calls Quinn “Lucy”, which she responds to with wide eyes, and demands she follow her into an abandoned classroom (because apparently NO ONE in this school goes to class).  She goes through her process of snooping with unnecessary detail and finally reveals what she found…Lucy Caboosey.  Turns out Quinn wasn’t always a cheerleader with blonde hair and a perfect body.  She once was a chubby, pimply faced self-loathing teenager, and even though she got a nose job, the rest of the transformation she did herself.  She got acne medication and starting doing ballet and other athletic activities and lost all the weight. By the time she got to McKinley, she was fit as a fiddle with an attitude to boot.  I suddenly had a flashback to the scene where Puck impregnated her and my original confusion as to why she was so insistent that he tell her she’s pretty. Surely she knew she was pretty. As it turns out, she didn’t.  Behind this Queen Bee attitude was an insecure girl who just wanted to be loved.  Her tragic story didn’t cause Zizes to budge and Quinn’s eyes went from pleading to panic quickly when she realized it was too late to ask her not to tell anyone about this.  She scrambled to the hallway to find the damage done. Her secret was out.

I didn’t think it was possible, but I hated Zizes more than ever.  And my heart broke for lil Lucy Q and I felt bad for every time I ever called her a bitch.  Even though sometimes she deserved it.

Rachel and Puck are in the mall, where Kurt meets up with them and tells Puck he’ll take over.  He says it’s a Barbara-vention because Rachel seems to have lost sight of what her idol would do – and did do – in her very situation.  Puck starts the music and Kurt’s shoulders go crazy and Rachel lets out this genuine belly laugh that made me smile from the inside out.

The song, by the way, is some amazingly absurd techno song that occasionally pauses just long enough for a deep voice to say, “Barbara Streisand”.  It’s amazing.  And so is all of the dancing that happens. Including, but not limited to, everyone doing some odd chicken walk at the end.

Next we see that our little Emmabunny has finally decided to go see a therapist. Unfortunately, she spent the majority of her allotted time disinfecting the chair she was supposed to sit in for therapy, which seems to me a disturbingly new symptom.  The poor thing is getting worse – I’m glad she’s getting help.  The doctor lets her know that she’s not alone in her fear and her anxiety and that taking medication for it doesn’t make her weak and won’t change who she is – it will just help her have more control over her life.  That OCD is a legitimate disease and needs legitimate treatment. My heart broke for Emma as she admitted she was ashamed of her disorder.  The therapist tells her that she just needs to start by admitting she needs help.

Quinn assumes that since everyone knows she used to be fugly that no one will want to vote for her.  Finn disagrees and tells her she’s beautiful on the inside.  The Tweedles agree and have a new admiration for her since she “overcame”.  Zizes didn’t need the Bully Whips to know that she had been a megabitch and apologizes to Quinn, who says she admires her confidence.  They appear to have bonded and Zizes puts her arm around her shoulders and I fear she will snap Quinn in half like a twiglet. Luckily, they both seem happy and in one piece as they walk down the hall.

On the other side of the school, Brittany bounces over to Santana and says “hey” because apparently they have spoken since the whole utter rejection thing that I’m still not over and they’re back on friendly terms despite the fact that it’s surely eating Santana up from the inside out.  Brit shows off her shirt for Glee that says “I’m with Stoopid” and points up to herself.  Santana approves and shows of her own shirt, which says “Bitch”.

Brittany had figured Santana would go the safe route and had made her another shirt instead. This shirt said “Lebanese”.  Santana starts to protest that she’s Hispanic when she realizes that B meant to write “lesbian”.  Santana panics and tells her that she will NOT be wearing that shirt.  Brit tells her that even though she ripped out her heart directly afterwards, she was really proud of her for telling her about how she felt.  She doesn’t understand why Santana would want to stay closeted since she’s amazing and should just be herself always.  Santana’s gay panic sets in and tells her that she better not tell anyone about any of that.  Besides, she’s dating Karofsky now. Which Brittany thinks is gross.  However, she no longer gets a say in who Santana dates – not because Santana’s lebanese and Brit thinks she’s bicurious – because she gave her a whopping dose of hurt when she professed her innermost feelings to her and she didn’t return them.  Brittany is frustrated and insists that she does love Santana.  But adds, “Clearly you don’t love you as much as I do or you’ll put on the shirt and dance with me.”

Meanwhile, Emma was having a staring contest with the bottle of pills her therapist gave her.  The bottle won, so she took a deep breath and swallowed a little white pill.

In the auditorium, Will calls everyone together for their big Gaga performance.   He proudly presents his Born This Way shirt, which states: Butt Chin.  Rachel comes in and thanks everyone for their support and tells them she decided not to get the nose job after all.  She shows off her shirt, which reads: Nose.  Artie realized that no one had been gawking at his girlfriend in the past few minutes and inquires as to where Santana might be.  Sam suggests she’s probably making out with Karofsky, which he’s okay with but BritBrit is NAT.

Unfortunately, this means they have to do the number without her, but the show’s gotta go all over the place, so they begin.  Everyone’s shirts say something different and it was exciting to watch as everyone’s was exposed one by one.  Some were more obvious like Kurt’s “Likes Boys”, Finn’s “Can’t Dance” and Mike’s “Cant Sing”. Some were funny like Puck’s “I’m With Stupid” with an arrow pointing DOWN, Sam’s “Trouty Mouth” and Quinn’s “Lucy Caboosey”.  Some were boring like Artie’s “Four Eyes” and Tina’s “Brown Eyes”.  Some didn’t really follow lesson like Zizes’s “Bad Attitude” and Mercedes’s “No Weave”.   During the song, Emma appears next to Will, showing off her brand new shirt that says simply, “OCD”.  The dance was a lot of fun to watch and it was nice to have Kurt back for a big group sing.

Plus, I mean, there was this:

As the number comes to an end, we see that Santana and Karofsky are together but are definitely not making out.  In fact, even though Santana couldn’t bring herself to dance with Brit in front of everybody, she did take a baby step and put on the shirt.

The curtain closes on her looking forlornly at her friends all accepting their own differences.

Next week? Rumours. Sue yet again hell bent on ruining everyone’s lives, we learn a little more about Sam’s background, and we potentially get to see Santana serenading Brittany. Though the last two are from the rumor mill themselves, so they might just be part of Will’s lesson to not believe everything you hear.

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~ by Valerie Anne on 05/01/2011.

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