Killing Me Softly

The song Killing Me Softly kind of blows my mind.

The song itself makes me feel like someone looked into my soul and started telling everyone what it saw.  It makes my insides quiver and my cheeks flush.

It’s very meta, I know.

The experience described in this song has happened to me a countless number of times. Sometimes with a song – one time I was sitting in the car with my mother and a song that perfectly described my relationship with her at the time came on and I literally got dizzy.  Sometimes it’s a television show or a movie – I once saw He’s Just Not That Into You with a girl I was head over heels in love with who didn’t love me back.

The feeling is like a punch in the gut.  It’s like being naked in front of someone you didn’t ever plan on being naked in front of. It’s like someone finding the one thing you tried so hard to hide.

This used to happen to me a lot during television shows I watched with my parents.  We used to watch a lot of shows together, and we would often talk during them. During scene transitions or breaks in dialogue, we would throw in an odd comment, laugh, scoff, make our guesses as to who killed the prostitute… whatever the situation required.  However, whenever there was a gay character in a show who was talking about it or coming out or there was any conversation about it, I stayed silent. I couldn’t breathe. I’m sure they noticed. I couldn’t help it. There were some scenes that just rang so true, it hurt.  Some that played out my biggest fears.  It was everything I had worked to protect and keep quiet about, right there on my television screen, in living color.  Even after I came out, it’s still very emotional for other people to be in the room when there’s a scene like that on.  Part of you wants them to block their ears so they don’t know how you feel, part of you wants to scream at them to listen carefully so they can understand.

I still experience the feeling sometimes.  When you hear a song that you swear you could have written because you’ve been there, it’s a strange sensation. It’s equal parts terrifying and comforting. Someone out there knows all your secrets. But at the same time, someone else has experienced your pain.

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~ by Valerie Anne on 05/23/2011.

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