Solitude

I’m scared.

I didn’t realize it until tonight, but I’m scared.

I was wondering why I was having a hard time letting go of something I knew wasn’t right. Something I wasn’t even sure I wanted. Yet something I was clinging to.

I’m afraid.

I’ve never been this alone before.  I spent a great number of years in an epic internal battle with myself regarding my sexuality. It distracted me from having to worry about whether or not I was dating anyone. In fact, not dating someone made it easier to try to grapple with my feelings.

I spent some time after that experiencing love for the first time. It was amazing and awful all at the same time. It didn’t go the way I would have hoped, but I felt it and it was real, and I’m grateful for it.

Next came passion. It was over a shorter period of time and it came with more downs than ups, but it was new and I learned a lot. That also didn’t go as I would have hoped, and yet I got stuck.

At first I thought maybe it was because it was more than passion. More than a fling, more than a flame.  Alas. There is friendship in this passion, but nothing more.  In fact, there’s not really even passion anymore.  But instead of focusing on the friendship, I’m clinging to the passion. Trying to make it last. Trying to make it real.

I couldn’t figure out why. For the longest time, I kept stepping back and asking myself what I was doing. I’m a smart girl. I’ve seen my friends make mistakes like this and I’ve advised them against it. I’ve protected so many hearts from this exact situation. So why was I dragging myself through it?

Why do we stay with lovers who we know down deep just aren’t right? Why would we rather put ourselves through hell than sleep alone at night?

Fear.

I’ve been swinging from vines, always with the next one in view before letting go of the last one. Sometimes holding both for a moment before letting one go.  Now I have to let go of a swinging vine into an abyss with my arms out, hoping there will be something to hold onto, or somewhere soft to land.

I’m terrified of falling. I’ve worked so hard to get this high. I’m not ready to do it all again.

At least I know I can if I have to.

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~ by Valerie Anne on 05/24/2011.

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