My Roommate & Me: Mad True

As promised, some snippets from the Night That Was Hot As Hell, in which my roommate and I were going delirious from the heat.  There may have also been a little alcohol involved, but I swear most of this was fueled by being at our wits’ end.

On normal occasions, my roommate and I are much more eloquent than this. My roommate has a slight New York accent in her day to day, but no more than any other highly educated person who grew up in Manhattan. These conversations do not show either of us in the best light, but it was so darn funny, I just had to share. I’m fully aware that some of this might not read as funny as it was at the time, but I hope at least one thing makes you laugh.

Please don’t judge us too much.

Okay, fine, judge us as much as you want.

K: “I don’t look Spanish. So I’m not. Don’t tell anyone I’m Spanish.”
Me: “You are pretty Spanish though.”
K: “Shhhhh they don’t need to know that.”

*strange noise*

Me: “Did you hear that?”
K: “I heard that. I choose to ignore it. It’s like when the shower rod fell. I thought it was you unlocking the door. But then you didn’t come in so I thought, ‘Welp, maybe she got hot and gave up.'”

K: *rips her mattress over while re-making her bed* “I’m gonna get raped by bed bugs!”

Me: “You’re not gonna get raped by bed bugs.”

K: “What am I allergic to?”

Me: “Dust mites.”

K: “I’m gonna get raped by dust mites!!”

Me: “You’re not gonna get raped by dust mites!”

 

K: “I’m going to look for apartments.”

Me: “Right now? It’s going to be like in Murder Central and you’ll be like ‘YEAH'”

K: “Murder central? haha that would be good. But…no.”

K: i’ll send it to you, what’s your email address?

Me: *tells email address*
K: “I can’t spell Valerie right now, can you spell it for me?”

Me: “V-a-l-e-r-i-e.”

K: “oh e-r. I was saying i-e-r. Ok, I sent you an email. Check it check it check it check it.”

Me: “Naked apartments?”

K: “WHAT?! NO!”

Me: “…?”

K: “Oh, yeah that’s the name of the website. But it’s legit!”

 

K: “That’s the thing with ice cream. I get over it mad quick.”

 

Me: “I saw a woman the other day on the subway and she had an ice cream cone and I was like DAMN I want an ice cream cone.”

K: “Right, but because you saw it. But when you hear Mr. Softee later, you’re like SHUT THE EFF UP!”

Me: “Well, I’m usually more like “STOP SELLING DRUGS TO YOUNG CHILDREN!”

K: “Ohh good point, you think he does?”

Me: “Do you know any other ice cream truck that comes out at 10pm?”

K: “Mad true, mad true.”

 

*weird loud screeching noise from outside*

Me: “What was that noise? That’s the second time it’s happened.”

K: “It’s important. It’s saving our lives.”

Me: “Saving our lives? Or threatening our lives?”

K: “Saving our lives. Don’t question it.”

 

Me: “Well, we need to either pay him August and get the full security back or ask if we can just not pay August and use the security for August.”

K: “Well, if he gives us a hard time i could just say…’Look…you wear a toupee. And it looks stupid. I mean, really, either shave your head to wear the toupee or don’t wear the damn toupee…but no, i’ll talk to him about the rent.”

 

K: *reading lease* “Landlord will fix and pay for any and all maintanence issues including heat and electrical.”

Me: “Wait, weren’t you without heat all winter”

K: “Yup! The ‘heat’ was spraying INTO the electrical socket”

Me: “I mean, we were out a pan for months.” [because there was also a leak that we used a small pan to catch the excess]

K: “Seriously! We couldn’t make just one egg! We had to make three eggs!”

 

K: “Wait, I have to go to the bathroom.”

Me: “Ok well be careful, It’s a dress jungle in there.”

K: “What do you mean? I picked them up! It’s just the rod.”

Me: “Well, you can’t shut the door”

K: *goes into the bathroom* “WHOA IT’S CRAZY IN HERE! Why didn’t you tell me?!”

 

Me: “Can i just tell you, I’ve heard this song [Rolling in the Deep] every time I’ve taken a shower for the past month. I couldn’t tell if it was a sign or if they just play this song THAT MUCH.”

K: “No, they play this song every hour. Literally.”

Me: “Though I’ve never heard this version.”

K: “Yeah, this is the ‘hey i’m in the club’ version.”

Me: “Adele doesn’t belong in the club.”

 

K: “I mean, I trust YOU, but this fucking bitch of a ho…”

 

Me: “How are we going to sleep?”

K: “I didnt’ even think about that.”

Me: “I mean it’s 1:30.”

K: “No it’s not. We’re going to die of–”

*drops phone*

K: “Omg and I just dropped my phone.  It was in my hand and I dropped it and I don’t know how. I have no idea how that happened, I was in the middle of a sentence and it just fell.”

 

K: “I put one dress in the dryer.”

Me: “And the rest of them are in the bathroom, I know.”

K: *holds up dress to self “I SHRUNK IT. IT’S SO SAD! I FAIL AT LAUNDRY!”

Me: “I mean, you’re better than I am. I have to do laundry this weekend for sure, and it’s a million degrees out.”

K: “This is the last time I’m doing laundry here. When i took my sheets off, I was like ‘don’t THINK you’re getting washed again.’…yeah i was talking to them.”

K [randomly, and really just in reference to how hot is it]: “Oh my God. Our lives are so FUCKING hard.”

 

K: “Do you know this song?”

Me: “Marry You?”

K: “Yeah!”

Me: “Yeah, they sang it on Glee!”

K: “Oh…”*makes face*

Me: “What?! It’s better, I swear!”

K: “I’ll trust you…from over here…”

 

*Someone Likes You comes on for the second time in ten minutes*

Me: *looks at K*

K: *looks at me*

Me: “What, do you have three songs on your itunes?!”

K: “I’m sorry! *halfheartedly motions towards laptop*”

Me: “NO wait. Don’t change it…”

K: “Ok, good.”

 

K: “”They are sweet, and we get along and she LITERALLY stops to smell the roses. I mean like, I turn around and am like WHYY are you stopping to smell the fucking roses? Let’s GO.”

 

I swear she doesn’t usually say things like, “mad true”, “yo” or “porque” in regular conversation, but that night, she said them all with hilarious frequency.

 

I hope this post made you smile at least once, since it made me laugh about a hundred times while it was happening.

 

I’m so lucky to have found such an amazing roommate.

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~ by Valerie Anne on 07/24/2011.

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