Law & Order: A Suspect List

I watch a lot of crime dramas.

Every time someone turns up dead or doesn’t turn up at all, their loved ones are asked the same question: Do you know of anyone who would want to hurt them?

Usually, the loved ones had never dared imagine such a thing, so they have no answers. Maybe someone they got into an argument with once, a particularly grumpy next door neighbor. Never anything too helpful.  I don’t blame them, really – you never want to think of a person being able/willing to hurt another person. Especially not anyone you know.

However, this usually leaves the police to meet a lot of dead ends before they find out who did it.

I thought I would save everyone a little bit of time and give you a list of suspects that my loved ones probably wouldn’t be able to drudge up on their own, but who definitely should be interrogated.

So, here we go, people who may or may not want me dead:

The Item Master — This person is someone who works in our El Paso office who I have to email pretty regularly, much to her chagrin. Her emails are often curt, passive aggressive and/or rude. Sadly, as her email and signature both say Item Master, I don’t know this person’s real name. I only assume it’s a woman because she’s a Grade A Bitch.

The cashiers at Eat on 8 — We have a little cafeteria-type thing on the 8th floor of our building, where I often get lunch. There are two cashiers there who bore holes in my skull with their eyes every time I go down. The ATM is on that floor, so I often have to pay for my $2 soda with a $20 bill. Sometimes I even just ask them to break my 20. Only if I feel brave. Also, I’m never consistent in whether or not I want a bag. This seems to aggravate them.

The street sweeper on 26th Street — Okay, so this man doesn’t hate me. The opposite, actually. By the time I get to 26th street, I am amidst a sea of people. We move like high schoolers after the bell rings, together but separate.  When this man is outside, he is happily sweeping the sidewalk. Staying out of the way of the mass passing by, but not interacting with it more than a passing glance or two. Until I enter his field of vision. Then he calls out in his thick accent (Possibly Greek? It’s unfamiliar to me.) and says, “Good morning! Hey, how are ya?!”  He will sometimes then comment on the weather and he often will ask when I get out.  I’m not entirely sure why he wants to know what time I get out of work, and it’s a little unnerving. I smile and wave back, pretending I didn’t hear his question (thank God for headphones).  I’ve only seen him once AFTER work and he followed me for a block and a half, asking me questions. It’s possible he’s just a nice, old man who likes to talk to the girl who smiles back. I’m just saying…it wouldn’t hurt to check his alibi.

I hope this information never has to be used, but I think it’s better to be safe. Cops always assume it’s the ex-girlfriend or the brother or the slightly sociopathic former best friend. It’s rarely that obvious. (But please don’t NOT check into anyone just because they’re too obvious! I have a feeling television crime dramas might not be as true-to-life as I pretend they are.)

Maybe it wouldn’t be a bad idea for you to look around at your life, notice those people who you see regularly that may or may not imagine choking you with their bare hands or shoving you off a cliff.  Next time you see that glimmer of hate in someone’s eye?  Tell a friend. It will make your hypothetical missing persons case go a lot smoother.

~ by Valerie Anne on 08/11/2011.

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