AKA The One That Nearly Gave Me A Heart Attack
We open in the Teacher’s Lounge, where Will is asking Emma to be his plus one at sectionals, since her presence at Regionals was like a good luck charm. He starts to tell her the set list, but Emma beats him to it, calling him out on how predictable his performances are.
Miss Pillsbury, in her adorable way, gently suggests that maybe Will step back and take a look at some of the other players. Rachel and Finn always step up to take lead, but there are ten other talented kids in the club, and maybe it’s their turn to shine.
Will takes this advice to heart and, before Rachel can tell him her big plans for the number she’ll do, Mr. Schue tells everyone that they’re going to one-up the competition by featuring Brittany and Mike Chang’s mad skillz.
Rachel is confused – how will people be able to stare adoringly at her if there are people dancing in front of her? Will explains to Rachel that she’s not going to be getting a solo this time around. As steam starts pouring out of her ears, he goes on to say that Sam and Quinn – the winners of the duets competition – would be performing. Rachel’s head is about to explode, so she tells Finn to do something. He sides with Rachel, saying that you should always play your best cards – showcasing everyone was just for rehearsal. He swears it’s just for the team’s sake but Santana calls him out on it, calling him a hypocrite.
Rachel has had enough and stands up to face her, telling Santana that she’s sick of getting mercilessly teased by her. For some reason, Finn has forgotten all the times he had to pry the screaming Latina off someone and tells Rachel to back off, she’s not worth it.
This was the opportunity Santana had been waiting for, so she drops the bomb about taking Finnocence’s V-Card last year. Before Rachel or Finn can shake the shocked look off their faces, Mr. Schuester interrupts and tells them enough is enough, this is what they’re doing for Sectionals. Though, I think he might have not been listening towards the end there…otherwise I’m pretty sure the rehearsal would have ended with a trip to Miss Pillsbury’s office.
While this was going on [or before? It’s unclear to me whether Glee is during or after school. I think sometimes it’s both.] Kurt was suiting up for his first day at Dalton. He is high-fived by some random dude in the hallway, which is a little odd but way better than getting high-fived in the face by Karofsky. The Warblers welcome him with open arms and give him the responsibility of taking care of Pavarotti the canary. Immediately after being told that everyone has a say in the goings on of this Glee club, Kurt’s ideas are [gently?] shot down and he’s told to wait until he’s on the board.
Back at McKinley, Rachel is confronting Finn about the Santana thing in Mrs. Pillsbury’s office [though, I have a feeling Will had nothing to do with this location] and Rachel is wondering why he chose Santana. She asks him if he thinks Santana is prettier than her, and I start to laugh because, duh, she’s prettier than everyone and Emma interjects immediately with, “Don’t answer that!!”. Because, duh. She’s prettier than everyone.
I was right, it wasn’t Mr. Schuester that scheduled this counselling session, but Rachel. Emma’s first piece of advice is to sing about it, but they don’t seem to be too into that idea. So they start to talk it out again. Rachel asks again why Santana, is it because she’s hot, and Finn forgets Emma’s original advice and says she’s super hot. I’m not sure why Rachel is so confused by this, she has eyes, but she asks permission to slap her boyfriend. Emma suggests storming out instead, so Rachel does just that.
In the hallway, Artie is rolling along and finds Brittany standing in an empty classroom facing a corner.
The thing is, she knows she can dance circles around everyone else, even when black-out drunk, but she’s never had to dance in such a high-pressure situation. Artie then treats Brittany like she’s a child and tricks her into thinking his comb is magic and gives it to her, boosting her confidence a little.
Will has pulled Puck aside and tells him that the Glee Club needs one more member to qualify for Sectoinals now that Kurt is gone for good. Puck accepts the challenge of being Glee’s Ambadassador and sets out on his mission. His first stop is the boy’s locker room, where he tries to recruit some of the football boys, but they respond with a bit of a beat-down. Turns out not even the most hardcore member of the New Directions can convince them that Glee is cool.
At Dalton, Blaine apologizes to Kurt about getting shot down at Glee rehearsal. Kurt is gracious about it and says it’s just a different environment that he’ll have to get used to. As a reward for his enthusiasm, however, they’re going to let him audition for a solo.
In the choir room, Santana is wondering where Puck is, because she hasn’t seen him since the day before and she wants a churro. Mercedes says he’s probably too embarrassed to be part of a team that will definitely lose and this spurs a conversation about how if the Warbler’s win, it will only be because they gave them Kurt.
Rachel walks in with duct tape over her mouth, which is her way of protesting, but she seems to miss the point, because she keeps taking the tape off to talk about how she’s protesting being silenced. Will has had enough and snaps at her. He’s sick of her bad-sportsmanship and, in fact, the selfishness of the entire club. He lays down the law – they will perform what they’re given with smiles on their faces, cheer on the other teams and not throw hissy fits if they lose.
Enter: Lauren Zizes. She has a pathetic looking Puck in tow, and they tell the story of how those football boys had locked Puck in the porter potty for 24 hours and how Zizes saved him. Seeing her as an angel who saved his life, he asked her to join. She has a few conditions, one being that she wanted a little Puck lip action. He said she rocked his world, and my reaction was the same as Santana’s.
They all half-heartedly welcome Lauren to the club, Will congratulating Puck in getting the club up to the necessary number.
Santana is playing a fun game of Mind-Fuck Rachel in the hallway, and based on the look on her face, it’s working.
Puck notices this, and approaches Rachel. He had made a promise to be nicer to Jews if he made it out of his stinky prison alive, so he offers her a toned shoulder to lean on to talk about her boy problems.
Down the other end of the hall, Tina approaches Artie because she thinks their beaus are having an affair with one another. She points out that it wouldn’t be that surprising, since they’re way out of their league, and plants the seeds of doubt in Artie’s mind.
In the auditorium, Kurt approaches Rachel and asks for her help – one diva to another. He wants to do My Heart Will Go On, but she shuts it down faster than the Warblers Board did. She tells him that she often imagines her own funeral [weird] in detail and how everyone will realize how amazing she is, just a moment too late. The song she chooses to express these emotions, what I believe she imagines her Angel Self singing down over her mourners, is Don’t Cry For Me Argentina. Kurt takes her advice and performs it for some wide-eyed prep boys and Blaine, who sports a smile but motions for him to tone it down a little when Kurt starts to let his arms get a little too Sunshine Corazon.
Warbler auditions are a little like American Idol and two of the boys moved on to the next round, but Kurt didn’t make the cut. Blaine said that he is trying too hard to stand out, when at Dalton, it’s more about fitting in. Says the only Warbler who has sung lead at all so far.
Artie rolls up to Brittany and acts like a desperate crazy person and begs Brittany to hang out with him, but she says she’s too busy rehearsing. Take that, Stubbles McGee.
Sectionals day has arrived, and a dejected looking group of Glee kids piles into the bus. Emma shows up to tell Will that she can’t come because Carl and her love each other and Uncle Jesse is the jealous type.
At the performance space, Rachel and Kurt are having another precious Diva Bonding moment – Kurt is sad he didn’t get a solo and his uniqueness isn’t being appreciated as much as it was at McKinley and Rachel is sad that they’re going to lose because she doesn’t have a solo. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
They don’t have any more time to commiserate because it’s showtime! First up is the Hipsters, the Glee club of an old folk’s home. They’re actually not bad and they’re singing “The Living Years” which is just sad. Next up is the Warblers and Blaine just spews adorable all over the place with Hey Soul Sister.
Kurt’s former classmates are being supportive and proud of their friend, while Mr. Schue looks utterly terrified. The New Directions lead a standing ovation for their competition.
Backstage, Artie confronts Brittany about how sneaky she’s been acting and she calls herself stupid and runs out. Rachel walks in and asks Finn accusingly if he told Kurt about him and Santana. Mercedes said that she told him and it quickly becomes clear that everyone in the Glee club knew except Rachel. Finn’s done with this argument. He pulls a Ross and tell her WE WERE ON A BREAK! Sure, the lying was dumb, but she seems more concerned about who it was with than anything else.
Rachel declares that she’s not going on stage as long as Finn is, and Artie and Tina join in and say they’re not going on stage with their cheating spouses either. Will steps in and reminds them that this time last year, they had to face the odds and band together to come up with songs and choreography at the last minute. He tells them to suck it up and go out there and remember that they’re in this together, whether they hate each other or not.
Artie asks Brittany why she cheated and Brittany’s confused. Poor dear didn’t know what “adultery” meant when she admitted to it. She didn’t cheat, but she did lose the magic comb. Artie realizes that he was an idiot for trying to trick her instead of just being supportive and apologizes.
Then I went into a rage-blackout so I’m not sure what happened for the next few seconds.
The Blondies step out from the back of the auditorium and busts out a sweet-sounding rendition of Time of My Life, even though no such times have been had. It was good and all, but I think I’m going to reach into my vault of Santana quotes to describe this one: “How freaking charming.”
Then – brace yourselves – because the best thing ever happened.
Some familiar chords. A butt slap.
Could it be? Yes, yes it could. All my dreams came true:
Santana. Sings. Valerie.
While Brittany dances.
My favorite New Directions performance to date. For obvious reasons.
They receive a standing ovation, too – plus an overwhelmingly happy looking Mr. Schuester.
The Hipsters come in third, so it will obviously be one of our youngsters that win.
The winner is… no one! It’s a tie! It’s just like the Glee Project! EVERYONE WINS!
Will brings the trophy into Emma’s office on Monday to show her and she tells him that she also had an exciting weekend. Uncle Jesse took her to Vegas and they got married. Will lowers his eyes to congratulate her and walks out of her office with his tail between his legs.
Finn and Rachel are walking down the hallway together and Rachel realizes now that Glee club is something special, and everyone in it is special, and she is sorry she had forgotten that. They kiss and make up and Finn says that they can’t lie to each other anymore. In that case, Rachel has a confession. She made out with Puck last week when they were fighting. She thought it was pretty eye-for-an-eye, but this is totally different than what Finn did. Not only did she cheat on him, but she cheated on him with Puck and she knows that’s a sore spot for him. That’s where Frankenteen draws the line and he sets the Finchel ship in the direction of Splitsville.
Will gathers the kids in the choir room and Santana tells him that they heard about Miss Pillsbury and the “finest dentist alive”. Will says they don’t have to talk about it, but I’m sure he’s moved that the HBIC showed a little sympathy for him. He offers to celebrate by giving Rachel a solo, but she defers the offer to the two underdogs that hadn’t gotten the chance to be featured at Sectionals. Mercedes and Tina sing Dog Days Are Over and hopefully it’s accurate, even though it looks like that might not be the case for Finchel and Wemma.
Next time on Glee, I close the gap and round off season 2 with a Gleewind of the Christmas episode.