Gleecap 3.01 – Purple Piano Project

AKA The Premier That Almost Made Up For The Finale Not Being Finale-like


It’s Senior Year for some of our favorite Gleeks and Jewfro is getting the scoop from all of them. Finn doesn’t have plans yet, Mike is heading to an Ivy League school, Tina & Artie are only Juniors, Rachel and Kurt are heading to the Great White Way, Sam is gone, Mercedes is just going to date a giant for the rest of her life, Santana is perfect going to be Paula Abdul and Brittany is building a time machine.

Also, Brittana is [as far as I’m concerned] totally official.

Finn christens the new year with a slushie in the face from a mullet-clad hockey douche.

Will and Emma seem to be shacking up, but judging from the crispness of Emma’s nightie, I’m not sure that he’s swiped her V-card.

At the first rehearsal of the year, Will starts off by rubbing their tiny 12th place trophy in their faces. Awesome. He says that he plans on pushing them harder than they’ve ever been pushed and Santana looks mildly horrified.  He blames himself for their loss and says they need to buckle down.  They also need three more people – Sam got sent to Kenya [at least, that’s where Degrassi sends its characters who won’t resign their contracts], Zizes is “too cool” for Glee and Quinn is MIA. To help entice recruits, Will has dreamed up the Purple Piano Project – when ever they see one of these pianos around the school, they have to stop, drop and sing.

Best. Assignment. Ever.

Rachel and Kurt take to Mrs. Pillsbury’s office to share some news. Before Emma can hand them a “Me and My Hag” pamphlet, they tell her that they’re going to Julliard. Their dreams weren’t properly researched, because Julliard doesn’t have a musical theatre program. Emma suggests staying close to home, but when that is fervently shot down, she instead tells them about a school she totally made up. She says this very exclusive school is having a mixer later that week so they can go check out the competition.

In other news, Sue is running for some position of power that will definitely be a terrible idea. Her evil plotting is interrupted by Tina tickling the ivories in the hallway.  She then DESTROYS the poor purple piano. A math teacher with a protractor up her ass thanks her for silencing those “artsy” kids, causing a sparkle of an idea to form in Sue’s eyes.

At The Lima Bean [May I take a moment to point out how adorable I find the name of this coffee shop? It’s our own little Central Perk.], Kurt and Blaine are discussing whether or not Blaine should transfer to McKinley to be closer to his new beau and I realize that U-Hauling is not just for lesbians anymore.

Enter: Quinn. Pink hair. Nose ring. Elton John sunglasses. Tattoo of Ryan Seacrest [wait, what?]. Her voice has dropped an octave. It’s kind of amazing. Scratch that, it’s wicked amazing. Brittana isn’t having it though. They beg Quinn to cut it out and rejoin the Cheerios and Glee with them. After all, they ARE the Unholy Trinity.

Quinn’s done being pressured to be perfect. She has gathered herself an Army of Skanks and she’s happy smoking under the bleachers with them. Rachel braves the filth and takes her turn begging her to come back. She takes a different route than Santana and plays the sympathy card. She all but gets on her knees trying to sweet talk her, using words like “sad’ and “family”. Quinn is listening, but she’s not going to crack.

Sue’s back in her Corner launching her Anti-Arts campaign. She aims right for the parents, saying that she wants to abolish Arts in public schools until everyone can read at or above grade level. Will’s ears perk up and he is not pleased with what he hears. Somehow, in his rant in the principal’s office, he goes from giving facts about how kids involved in the arts do better in school to talking about his sex life – or, rather, lack thereof.  Luckily, Sue interrupts him before I get the knives completely into my eardrums and tells him that she will not be stopped.

We follow her back to her office, where she has called Becky and Santana to tell them that they are now co-captains. Neither of them are pleased with this, as they had hoped it would be a solo gig. Santana is an equal-opportunity bitch, so she tells it like it is.  She will not be taking orders from anyone.

Sue moves on to the next order of business: Taking out the pianos. She looks Santana square in the eye and asks her which team she was playing for this year.  Santana looks a little unnerved by this question, but quickly regains her composure and tells Sue that she’s on her side.

In the lunchroom, Rachel is confused. No one is singing at the purple piano! Well, to be frank, they were embarrassed. Rachel puts her foot down – the more people they do it in front of, the more likely they will be to find people to audition.  So they all agree to perform, and perform they do.

When their epic dance number of hotness ends, they are inexpicablely met with silence and I can’t help but wonder if Lima doctors offer parents a free soul-extraction at the birth of their children. Becky is so offended by this flaunting of awesomeness that she throws her drink right in Rachel’s face. Someone else follows suit by heaving a glob of spaghetti in their general direction.  They see it coming, but they can’t do anything to stop it now…


While Mr. Schuester is trying to keep the sticky Glee club from imploding on itself, a new face struts into the choir room. A girl named Sugar stands before New Directions and says that she’s better than everyone. And she has self-diagnosed Aspergers, so she can say whatever pops to her head and have an “excuse”.  She busts out some Hey Big Spender and I want to pay her to STOP.  Except not really because it’s a deliciously horrible performance.  Rachel politely excuses her from the room but totally forgets her manners when Will reminds her that they have a come-as-you-are policy in Glee and have yet to turn anyone down. (Except Becky. But that didn’t really count because it was so close to the end of the year.)  Rachel turns his own words against him about stopping at nothing to win this year, and Sugar is going to do nothing but bring them down.

Will is torn. He knows she sucks but he doesn’t want to crush a girl’s spirits, even if she is kind of a bitch. Beiste makes a good point – he owes it to the kids he has to make them the best team they can be. But Will isn’t sure he has the stomach for it. Emma interrupts by telling them that Sue is rising in the polls. He has had enough and is going to fight fire with…well, glitter, but we’ll get to that later.

The Diva Duo is in the auditorium to rehearse, so that they can show the kids at the Fake University Mixer that they’re not just your average sing-into-a-hairbrush performers. They enlist the help of the band that lives in auditorium and spew cuteness all over the damn place.

In the gym, Sue, Santana and Becky are holding Cheerio tryouts. Even though it’s really just for their own amusement, as they have no intention on adding anyone to the squad. Will and Emma stroll in and take a page from Sue’s book and bully her right back. Mr. Schue dumps a bucket of glitter on Sue’s head while Mrs. Pillsbury films the whole thing.

Meanwhile, in the hallway, a blazerless Blaine approaches a melancholy Kurt.  Our little Hummel doll’s mood makes a 180 as soon as he is told that his boyfriend will officially be transferring to McKinley. Kurt says they need to find a way to “ease” Blaine into the New Directions and Blaine is all, since when have I eased into anything.

Outside, Blaine has already enlisted the help of the ever-loyal band and the suspiciously compliant Cheerios to do the Carlton dance on The Stairs. Santana is quick to join in, too and even teaches him how to do the Naya dance.

The two hottest gays on the planet joined forces and my mind nearly exploded.

I was right to be suspicious of Sue’s girls being so helpful, because they end the number by pouring lighter fluid all over the purple piano.  As the number comes to a close, Quinn flicks her cigarette right onto it and the last of the purple pianos goes up in flames.

Rachel and Kurt don’t let this blatant destruction of private property stop them from practically skipping into the meeting of the FU [I swear I didn’t even do that on purpose] potential applicants, where they meet some hopefuls that have apparently been meeting every month for the past four years. Literally. Since they were done snorting lines of pure guarana, they introduce themselves as Harmony, some other two names I forget, and Gavrosh [like the character in Les Mis]. Harmony is the obvious leader of the bunch, and boy do those baby blues look familiar. Rachel and Kurt can tell it’s like their own clones on speed, but try not to be thrown by it. Until they start their number. They look on with forced smiles and fear in their eyes as Harmony & Co. sing and dance circles around them. Literally.

Rachel and Kurt retire to the car, dreams crashing down around them. They had been so used to comparing themselves to other Glee clubs that they hadn’t even considered the fact that there might be other superstars out there. Suddenly the girl who used to put a gold star next to her name to remind her of her goals is saying things like “not everyone’s dreams come true”.  Kurt finally starts to snap out of it and tells her to manhands up.  These other kids might have more “talent” and more “experience” but they have passion and fierceness. THEY WILL GET IN, DAMNIT!!! They even “gay-high-five” about it, which is a cross between a pinky-promise and jazz hands.

Will is trying to break the news to Sugar gently, but she’s not really taking it so well. She then makes me think that pretending to have a form of autism isn’t the worst idea ever, because she spews a line of insults at him and just yells ASPERGERS at the end and can’t really get in trouble.

After school, Blaine is officially welcomed into the Glee club. Finn, however, is a little less than welcoming. Finn thought the pyrotechnics were an act of showiness from the ex-Warbler, but Santana corrects him and says that it was an “act of political protest”.

Mr. Schuester then asks Santana to leave. He says that, until she signs her name in blood on one of the purple pianos, she can’t stay. Santana looks shocked and upset for a second, but then she steels herself and says that she could use a break.

William Schuester, I have been annoyed and embarrassed by you, I have thought you were crazy, I have thought you were pathetic, but never have I ever hated you as much as I did in this moment.

You are now out your two hottest members. The judges take things like attractiveness into account, sir!

Plus, girlfriend has razorblades in her hair. Don’t. Mess.

Brittany looks absolutely crushed, but Mercedes is supportive. Rachel changes the subject and suggests they do West Side Story for the school musical this year. Kurt also has something to add – in a last-ditch effort to pad his resume with extra-curriculars, and seemingly forgetting how his peers reacted last time there was a school-wide vote, he is going to be running for class president.

The first week of school is over, and the Glee kids have already had as much abuse as the purple pianos. But the pianos still work, and Brad and Rachel show them just how well.

Because you see, you can try to stop their dancing feet, but they just cannot stand still.

Next week’s episode is called I Am Unicorn and I’m not sure how they’ll manage it, but based on the title, I think they might just manage to out-gay themselves. And I can’t even wait.

~ by Valerie Anne on 09/26/2011.

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