Gleecap 2.14 – Blame it on the Alcohol

AKA The One Where Everyone Gets Wasted

So we begin with Figgins telling Mr. Schue that there is an underage drinking epidemic going on at McKinley High. I roll my eyes and want to tell him that teen drinking is not exactly a unique or recent issue when some jock slams his flubby gut against one of the potentially-against-child-safety-laws floor to ceiling glass walls and I decide maybe he’s right. Maybe they DO need an Alcohol Awareness Week.

He also provided me with two excellent new synonyms for alcohol: Giggle juice and the wet devil. Perfect.

Figgins asks Will if the Glee Club will perform at the assembly because the Britney Spears Sex Riot was just a hellova good time and says, “Will, can I count on you?” and I say, “Yes, you can count on him to make a fool of himself.”

Will goes to chat with his favorite recovering germaphobe and she is just as confused as the rest of us as to how it’s possible that Sue is now the coach of Oral Intensity. Sue goes into a lengthy explanation complete with flashbacks, but all I really take from it is that Sue likes to push people down stairs. I am still no closer to understanding how it’s possible for her to coach non-cheering cheerleaders in one school and coach a show choir in a competing school. But who am I to argue. Plausible plotlines be damed! Onward!

We go with Puck into the choir room where Rachel is happily plucking away at the piano.  He finds out her dads are going to be out of town and assumes she’s having a party. When she gets her granny panties in a bunch about it, he tells her that she sucks and she’s a bore. I don’t know if this was intentional (don’t want to give the Puckster TOO much credit) but his reverse psychology seems to strike a chord. Still she refuses.  Enter: Finn.  He asks to hear the song she’s been working on.  At first it’s rather nice. Very vocal.  She says something about being amongst her belongings on the nightstand and I think she’s being clever and singing to a photograph by her bedside.  Then the cheesy rhymes continue and I realize what the song is actually about.


Okay, Rachel, it’s obvious you love your headbands, but did you REALLY think that was going to win ANY kind of competition for an entire Glee Club? Come on, now.

So, Finn basically calls Rachel a Lima Loser and she decides to have the party after all. Gossip Girl tweets about it and word begins to spread.

Wait…wrong show.

Cut to Santana on the phone saying that a Rachel Berry party sounds lamer than a Sarah Palin sex tape and that she would only go if there was giggle juice involved.  Turns out she is talking to Brittany, standing right next to her, who interjects, “But it’s Alcohol Awareness Week.” Being the good little doobie she is.  Then Santana says a line that I have literally uttered in college while drinking boxed wine out of Tupperware cups during Alcohol Awareness Workshops in the dorms.

“I am aware of how much fun alcohol is.”


Suddenly we’re on a five way call (Santittany and Artcedes call Puck…someone forgot to tell Santana that Brittana flows better) and it’s decided that they’re all going because Puck is bringing the wine coolers.  Very badass.

Then it’s time for the lamest party ever.   I’m talking lamer than the birthday party I had that nobody showed up to because there was a snowstorm and no one could leave their houses.  Rachel is in a nightgown and everyone looks like they’re being held there against their will.

Then I realize Samtana is (are?) making out in the background and I cry and convulse and black out again. They really have to stop that, because all of this blacking out can’t be good for my brain.

Someone finally gets the drinking going and the real party begins.  My eyes clear up from all the crying just in time, because the MOST glorious thing happens:

Yes, folks, that is Santana doing a body shot off of Brittany’s perfectly toned stomach.  I will could watch it for hours.

Eh hem…

Rachel begins to do the drunk girl’s desperate dance where she throws herself at Finn, who is the DD and not drinking tonight. Which is lame because everyone should have just planned on crashing. But I suppose then we wouldn’t have gotten this nugget of wisdom.


And then there’s Finn. The Buzzkill. Every party has a pooper, Finn.

Hurt and determined, Rachel decided it’s time for spin the bottle.  First up is Sam and Brittany. As if I haven’t suffered enough. The only thing that kept me from throwing in my Brittana towel was Santana sassing it up in the background, going on about how she owned them froggy lips and how much she did NAT like what was going on. I think she just projecting her feelings about one blonde onto the other, but that’s just a theory.  It went on for far too long and I know Santana agrees because she Latina-bobbed her neck and went, “No me gusta!”

No me gusta, tambien, Santana. No me gusta, tambien.

Blaine goes next and gets Rachel and they make out for an uncomfortably long period of time.  Their new drunkmance (okay drunk romance doesn’t really work as a smush word, does it?) causes them to want to sing together, and it’s actually kind of adorable.

The morning after, Kurt (who also didn’t drink the night before) is up bright and early.  Burt pops his head in and says something about brunch and stops short when he sees a non-Kurt-shaped body in Kurt’s bed.  If his blinding fear about his baby boy growing up too fast wasn’t getting in the way, he would have seen that Blaine was pretty much wearing MORE clothes than he was the night before, so it was pretty obvious nothing hinky was going on.  But he still leaves looking a bit flustered.

At school, the Gleeks look like they’ve been hit by a mac truck.  I thought Santana, Brittany and Puck might be better at nursing a hangover, but I guess I have shown up to work looking like that a few times, so I’ll cut them some slack.  Artie rolls up with bloody marys in hand (why do these kids drink like little old ladies? Wine coolers? Bloody Marys? Really?) and teaches them what I didn’t learn until college – sometimes, even though it’s the last thing you want, a little alcohol is the best way to beat a bad hangover.

The kids put on a pretty steamy rendition of Blame It On The Alcohol with a very nice club-vibe going on.  It’s pretty steamy and Will likes it except he thinks it kind of glorifies drinking a little. He’s pretty naive and thinks they are great actors because he almost believed they were drunk. Then Santana bursts out in tears and Brittany comforts her.

Back at home, still tipsy, Rachel drunk dials Blaine and asks him on a date.  Blaine accepts and has this kind of awkward yet kind of beautiful conversation with Kurt.  He’s questioning his decision to come out so hard and fast before ever having had a boyfriend and says he doesn’t understand why Kurt’s flipping out at the idea that it’s possible he’s bisexual.  Kurt is being mean, but I kind of get it because Blaine was his big gay idol.  It’s like that moment where you realize your teachers don’t actually know everything.  They go from being some kind of deity to a glorified babysitter.

Blaine, determined not to have an entirely serious scene, exits with a good-“bi”. Heh.

Then something awful happens involving Beiste and Will and a dirty cowboy bar and I’m pretty sure nothing at all relevant happened at all so let’s skip to when Beiste took a schwasty-faced Will back to his apartment.  She mouth-rapes him a little and leaves him be. Which is good because if they had hooked up I really don’t think I would have been able to recover.  Schue goes on to adorably, drunkenly grade papers and I wasn’t looking at the names, but if Brittany was in that class she just got her first A ever because Will barely knows English in this state, let alone Spanish.  Then he does what too many of us are guilty of – he drunkenly pours his heart out to an answering machine. You get an F in drunkenness, Will.

Meanwhile, Kurt is helping Rachel clean up after the party, and they’re talking about how Rachel’s date with Blaine went.  All I can stare at is Brittany’s bra in the background and imagining how that ended up there, but I was listening. I swear. Kurt is insisting Blaine is gay and Rachel basically takes that as a challenge and says she will kiss him without the help of the wet devil.

Kurt goes home and his dad confronts him about finding a boy in his bed that morning.  Mr. Kurt is by far one of the best television dads of all time, but this speech confused me a little. He started out all awesome with the, “I wouldn’t let Finn bring home a girl either.”  But then I think Kurt’s continued whining threw him off because he started talking about Brokeback Mountain and not wanting Kurt to do anything “inappropriate”.  All in all, I think he just doesn’t want his lil guy to be having sex – I don’t think he cares who he’s not having sex with. Kurt tells his dad to go watch gay porn so they can talk about sex “like normal straight kids do” and all the normal straight kids in the world (and the not-so-normal, not-so-straight kids) shrink back in terror at the idea of talking about sex with their parents.

Assembly time!  Figgins tells us (well, the school) that we’re about to enjoy a New Directions rendition of “Tik and also Tok by Key-dollarsign-ha” and suddenly Figgins is creeping his way into my favorite quotes list more and more often.   Backstage, Brittany is getting stage fright because she wants to do this song justice (BritBrit, I’m pretty sure a dying werewolf could do this song justice…and this coming from someone who actually enjoys the song) so Rachel gives everyone some kind of jungle juice/liquid plumber concoction and they go on stage. Everything is going well at first (besides this being one of the least appropriate songs that could ever be sung in a school setting), but then Brittany S. Pierce shakes it just a little too hard and she vomits the purple goo all over the place. Seeing the love of her life vom makes Santana spew as well, and Brittany quietly implores the audience to drink responsibly.

Sue comes over the loudspeaker to say that the downfall of the boozehounds in the Glee Club can be attributed to the alcoholic Mr. Schuester and plays the drunken voicemail that was intended for Emma for the entire school to hear. That was low, Sue. Even for you.  Will tries to scold the kids but, as Santana so tactfully points out, it’s hard to take a speech about drinking seriously from Count Boozey Von Drunkaton.

However, they’re in luck because Figgins with his rosy pink glasses thought that the “act” and “special effects” and “comedy” was genius and not only are they not all suspended, but they get coupons for frozen yogurt. DISCOUNTED FROYO? Definitely put that in the win column.

Will’s not quite ready to let them off the hook, though.  He tells them that they were ALL a little out of control, and that they shouldn’t drink anymore.  Quinn tells him that’s just unrealistic, and Will clarifies – it’s just until Regionals.  Like prize fighters.  He hands them all a pledge to sign and says that his number is at the top, just in case they slip up, so that they can call him ANY TIME from ANYWHERE and he’ll pick them up. No questions asked. My heart grew all big and happy and then Santana puts on her serious voice (you know, as opposed to the sassy voice she’s usually donning) and smiles adorably and goes, “Coolbeans. I’ll sign this.”

I was fairly certain my heart exploded a little. Will is the best influence in these kids lives, mostly because he screws up just as much as they do, but he always learns the lesson in it first and shares it with them.

After school, Rachel – still determined to prove Kurt wrong – struts right up to Blaine and plants a fat one on him.  When she lets him up for air, he pauses for a moment and a rainbow colored lightbulb goes off. He declares that now he’s sure – he’s definitely gay.

Puffed out with pride, but still showing a hint of concern for his friend, Kurt asks Rachel if she’s okay. In true Rachel style, a Broadway style lightbulb goes off in her head and she declares this quality material for a song.  Because being reunited with her adoptive mother who can sing as well as she can but actually wants nothing to do with her and getting with a boy who cheated on his girlfriend with you and then cheating on that boy with a boy who the first boy’s first girlfriend had previously cheated on wasn’t quite enough.

Next week (which was two weeks at the time of original airing, and I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to make it) Holly Holiday returns with some Sex advice for the kids (and looks like maybe Will, too!) and with her comes the tiny flicker of hope that we might see some legitimate Brittana love.  Can’t wait!

~ by Valerie Anne on 03/01/2011.

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